“The Next Right Thing”

Hang around the rooms long enough, and you’ll hear people talk about doing the ‘next right thing’. They’ll say it like this: I keep on doing the next right thing, and it all works out; or like this: all I have to do is the next right thing, and my life goes so much better. It’s one of those simple-but-not-easy aspects of the Program. It’s not always easy to determine what to do next. It’s not always easy to determine what’s right. It’s like so many other things about living the spiritual life in that it takes practice. It takes work. It takes time. But we do get better at doing it with practice. The more we work it, the better it works. Time, after all, takes time.

My sponsor has often suggested to me that, in the times when I’m not feeling too great, the best way to handle it is to find a way to be of service to others. I have sponsees of my own. I can go to a meeting and share. I can help a friend who is in need. It doesn’t even have to be Program-related. After all, Step 12—the spiritual principle behind which is Service—says we practice these principles in all our affairs. Doing something Program-specific is perhaps the most obvious way to be of service, but how we do it isn’t what’s important. What’s important is that we take action.

I had a crazy day yesterday, but it was one of the most amazing days I’ve ever had. I’ve had many a crazy day, but there was something about yesterday. I’d almost describe it as the good kind of crazy. Or maybe it’s the fact that it was good that makes it seem so crazy. That’s the addict side of myself jumping out, trying to steer my thinking and say that if things go well in my life, that THAT is crazy. It’s not. Good things happen in our lives. It’s only the sick disease of addiction that tells us that they don’t, or can’t, or won’t.

I’ve been pretty stuck inside myself lately because of the ground-shaking events of my life. When things aren’t going well for me, my tendency is to sit on my pity-pot and think my whole world is coming to an end because life isn’t meeting my expectations of what it should be like. I’ve been upset about (most-likely) losing my job. I thought it was something stable that I could depend on. I’m upset, too, about the difficulties in one of my friendships because I had somehow forgotten that he, like me, is just a human being and not perfect.

The difficulties with my friend hit on some parts of myself that I’d somehow thought didn’t need work. I felt—and to a certain extent am still feeling—a lot of pain from it. But for me, pain is a motivator. It’s when I am in pain that I find the willingness to change. It’s when I’m hurting that I find the desire to do the work on myself that needs to be done. Maybe there are people out there who can find their willingness without being in pain; I’m not one of them. It seems that I have to really be hurting before I’m able to let go and admit that action needs to be taken.

I’ve stepped up my program. I’m doing a lot more writing in my journal. The day before yesterday, I wrote and wrote, starting to do the hard work to heal parts of myself I’ve been neglecting. I still struggle with relationship issues, and all-too often feel that I will never find someone special who I can share that deep, intimate, emotional bond with. I have jealousy towards others who are in relationships, and jealousy towards those who are content to be by themselves. But I know the reasons why:

Inside of me is the sick and insane idea that I am not worthy of having someone in my life who cares about me. My disease still tells me that I am not worthy of being loved. I still have more work to do before I can more fully accept that the disease is wrong on this. One day, I hope to truly accept myself for who I am, as I am. I hope that, one day, I will be accepting of whether I have a special woman in my life or not. And I will know that, regardless of whether I do have a partner, I am enough. After I did the work in my journal, I actually got down on my knees and prayed. Call it a mini-fifth step, sharing the things that I wrote with my higher power. I can’t even tell you why I felt the need to be on my knees to do it, except that it just felt like the right way.

I’ve stepped up my Program in other ways. I’m calling my sponsor more often. I’ve talked to him about this new work that I’m doing and asked him if it was okay for me to lean on him more directly and more often as I do it. Who knows, even after this phase of work that I’m doing is finished, I might even continue to do so. My life seems to go better when I ask his advice first on just about anything. And yesterday, I got to be of service in a whole slew of different ways.

Another friend of mine has a baby in the hospital right now. She’s having fever spikes, seizures, and the doctors, for all their medical expertise, can’t quite figure out why. It must be terrifying, the not knowing. If you’re told what the problem is, what the disease is, you can do research. You can educate yourself and figure out what the best way forward is. When you don’t know what’s wrong, you have to live with the uncertainty and that can be so hard. I went to visit her and her family at the hospital and was made all-too-aware that, whatever my problems are, there are those who are dealing with far worse. I’m lucky to have such relatively minor problems in my life. I’m not the one standing over a hospital crib, waiting to see if my baby lives or dies; if she will get better or worse; if she will come back from this and be healthy, or have brain damage the rest of her life.

After my visit to the hospital, I went to see another friend. This is someone I had dated and, as we realized things couldn’t work for us as a couple, decided that we still wanted to be in each others’ lives as friends. That is an amazing benefit of the Program. I have never been able to be friends in this situation before. I was always stuck in my own hurt and frustrations at not getting what I wanted out of life. If she couldn’t be what I wanted her to be, well then I simply said, “fuck it” and that was the end of that. But she’s a good woman. Kind, caring, supportive. I need people like that in my life, who are able to be good friends to me and give me the love and nurturing that I need from my friends. I’m hopeful that I can do the same for her. My being able to do either is a direct result of working my Program, learning to get over myself, and learning how to better accept reality as it is, not as I would have it be.

Through all of this, my phone was ringing off the hook. I heard from both of my sponsees. One called asking for some advice on how to be of service, wondering if he was ready yet. I told him, “Go. Do. Be.” Being of service, no matter the method, is a huge part of working this program. Another was having difficulties in his personal life, struggling (as we all do) with feelings of low self-worth and frustrations about not having a special someone. We met up, and we talked, and we went to a meeting. We picked up another friend who’s also having a difficult time right now and took her with us.

Once we were there, the secretary told me that his chairperson hadn’t shown up yet and asked me if I would do it. I smiled and accepted. I told my story as best I could; for a discussion topic, I chose ‘miracles’. It was a good meeting, and afterwards I was a bit amazed by how good I felt after what had been a long, full, and hectic day. When I got home last night, I wrote more in my journal. I want to harness this feeling of being motivated to do the work while it’s here, because I know this too shall pass. I was tired so I didn’t write as much as I had the night before, but that is alright.

As I laid down in bed and prayed, something amazing happened. I had one of those negative imaginary conversations my disease is so famous for distracting me with. It was brief, though, and had very little intensity. It was like the darker side of my self gasping weakly for air before sinking back down below the water. I realized that I hadn’t had those kind of thoughts in many hours. It was a huge change from the near-constancy I’d been experiencing before I started taking action.

And all I did was the next right thing.

When I do the next right thing, my life goes better. I’m a better me. I’m of more help to those around me. And I receive all manner of blessings, not the least of which is freedom from my addict brain and its sick and insane way of thinking. It still amazes me that this program is so simple: put one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, and the benefits will show themselves to you.