“The Leaky Dam”

When I was brand new, I picked up a lot of program-speak right away. Freshly sober, ego raging, and major pink cloud action happening? Yes, I was speaking the language of the program as though I actually knew what I was talking about. Never mind that I hadn’t worked through the steps. As far as I was concerned, I was an expert and already knew everything.

It’s a bit humbling to look back at that now, but I can have the same compassion towards myself that I have towards others I meet who are in the same position. There are meetings out there where, if you have less than a year, they prefer that you don’t share for these very reasons: you’re new; you haven’t worked your steps yet; you haven’t been restored to sanity; you don’t know nothin’ and even worse, you don’t yet know that you don’t know nothin’. Their message is simple: sit down, shut up, and listen; try to actually learn something; you’ve been given what just might be your last chance—grab it with both hands and hold on.

My first sponsor and I had a conversation once. I don’t remember what it was we were talking about (those early detox days are pretty hazy), but I told him about something I did and bemoaned the fact that I was engaging in ‘old behavior’. He chuckled a little, then looked at me and said, “well, if you’re still doing it, it’s not old behavior, now, is it?” Talk about putting me in my place. You can’t take a step back if you haven’t taken any forward.

It’s a miracle of the program that we are able to make any change at all. Before we start treating our disease, our lives are like rivers flowing with such force as to be seemingly beyond changing course. By working the program, by following suggestions, we dam that river and move it in a new direction. The more suggestions we follow, the better the dam and the better a new course we set ourselves on. Each suggestion we follow is like adding another brick to make the dam stronger. Each suggestion we don’t follow leaves a hole for our old patterns and behaviors to pour through, continuing our lives on their old course of insanity and destruction.

Our sponsors aren’t there to coddle us or to tell us that everything will be alright. A good sponsor will never cosign our bullshit, just as the good friends we make in the rooms won’t. Sometimes we don’t want to hear it. Sometimes we can’t bear to look in the mirror being held up because we don’t want to see what’s reflected there. Sometimes we cut off contact because we can’t bear to acknowledge the truth they are showing us. I’ve heard it said that if you aren’t pissed off at your sponsor on occasion, they’re not doing a very good job.

We are the ones who put those bricks in, who build the dam that changes our lives. We need to listen in order to learn how to build it. And we can put only a few bricks in if we want to. We can go to meetings every once in awhile, work some steps when we feel like it, and all the while the rivers of our lives continue flowing in the same direction. We can try that easier softer way for as long as we feel like, but the real change only happens when we get honest with ourselves. When we admit that our way doesn’t work. When we find the willingness to follow the principles and really truly work the program, that is when things truly change. Until then, all we have is a leaky dam.