“Loneliness & Isolation Walk Hand In Hand”

One of the biggest Catch 22s of my disease is loneliness. I feel lonely, which leads me to feeling worthless. Then I end up isolating because I feel so worthless. Viola, the perfect self-reinforcing circle! Only in the insanity of this disease would isolating be a justification for being lonely. So sick. And yet not nearly as sick as everything that goes with it: I stay isolated and lonely because it’s what I know. I may not like it, I may even hate it, but because it’s familiar and what I’m used to, I stay in it.

Because, you know, if I actually get out there and meet people, well then I’d have to talk to them!

I am writing this with more than a hint of humor at myself, because it really is ridiculous when you’re able to step back and look at it. I’m not always able to do that. Sometimes I sit in that pile of shit for days--lonely, hurt, feeling less-than worthless, and wonder why it doesn’t get better. Sometimes I pray for God to make it better. But my higher power isn’t codependent the way my family of origin is. He’s not going to do things for me that I can and need to do for myself. He’s not going to baby me. He knows that’s not what’s best for me. God gives me only what I need, not what I want. Sometimes the two coincide, but I still have to do my part, regardless.

In prayer one night, I was thinking about how when I’m stuck I don’t just come out of it automatically. They say ‘this, too, shall pass’ which is true, but it only truly passes when I do my part to get out of it. When I’m lonely, I’m stuck inside myself. It might feel like I’m the only person in the world, that no one understands or loves me, but I know that isn’t true. All I have to do to remember is pick up the phone. Or, better yet, go to a meeting.

Meetings are still my best cure for the times I’m feeling isolated or when I’m self-absorbed. I can call my sponsor, yes, or I can call my other friends in the program, but the best tool I have for this part of my disease is to get out and go to a meeting. Once there, I’m surrounded by others just like me. I get to listen to their stories and stop focusing on my own head for a while. I get to get out of myself. When I do that, I feel better. It’s an equation you can put down in writing. Self-absorbed Zach = pity party; Zach being of service and helping others = spiritually fit and, therefore, serene.

Just as math doesn’t come easy for some, this equation isn’t always easy for me either. I can be stuck for a long time before I’ll see it. It can take me a long time to admit that I need help, and even longer to ask for the help I need. In the end, though, the solution is always the same: if I’m stuck in me, I need to get out of myself. The best way to do that, for me, is still to take myself to a meeting.

I went to four yesterday, in case you were wondering, and today I feel fantastic.