“The Joy Of Living”

We’ve had a few windy days here and I’ve been seeing something I’ve seen before that never ceases to amaze me: the way the wind whips across grass in waves. It’s an impressive sight, those ripples. So fluid, so natural, and yet so unnatural at the same time. Those tiny green blades, acting in concert as if they were an ocean surface. I have one of those ‘appreciate the little things’ moments every time I see it.

As crazy as life can get, with its ups and downs, its occasional total upheavals, and the random period of uninterrupted peace, I’ve found the old wisdom about the little things being the most important to be so true. Nature is a big one for me. I’ve always been a fan, and when I got clean & sober, I didn’t know if I would still enjoy it as much. Then I saw a sunset behind the mountains for the first time, stone cold sober, and was amazed at how its beauty was every bit as intense and wondrous.

There are some more mundane little things that are really enjoyable for me, too. Like paying my bills on time, not having to stress about creditors and collectors hounding me over the phone. For some bizarre reason, I really like cleaning my apartment, too. I’m not a neat freak, I just like having a clean place to come home to. As an introverted guy, my home is where I tend to recharge at, my retreat and safe haven from the world. Not that others aren’t welcome in it, of course! Simply that most of the time it’s just me there and my mind is more at peace with an orderly home.

The thing the cleaning, the bills, is they’re the normal humdrum stuff of day-to-day living. And I remember all too well a time when I didn’t do any of this. I remember, too, how hard I had to fight, the boundaries I had to establish, in order to learn how to take care of myself and have others in my life stop treating me as a near-invalid who had to have everything taken care of for him.

Sure, it’s true that as an active drug addict I wasn’t very capable at caring for myself. And even that affliction aside, my life skills were sub-par to none. So these days I carry a lot of private pride at being someone who takes care of his responsibilities, who takes care of himself. A small part of that is thoughts about those from my past who never thought I could, but mostly it’s the satisfaction of showing myself that I can.

That’s a big part of my joy in Recovery--being responsible, being a functioning member of society. For so long, my daily life was nothing more than a miserable existence. Now, instead of merely existing, I’m truly living.