“But I’m Right!!”

Here’s a great piece of wisdom I heard in the rooms once: ‘Anytime I find myself insisting I’m right, it means I’m probably not.’ It reminds me of that old-standard relationship advice: you can either be right, or you can be married. Ha! Seriously, though, someone who always has to be right, who is not able to admit when they are wrong, is someone who is deeply insecure. How do I know? That used to be me. Some days, it still is.

That self-righteous, sanctimonious attitude is such a turn-off to others. When we’re in that mode, being right isn’t just about being factually correct; there’s a strong moral judgment streak in there. It’s not just that I’m correct, it’s that I’m better than you because I have this opinion, because I know this truth, and you are less than a human being because you think differently—and a moron. What’s wrong with you that you don’t think like I do? Any idiot can see my way is the right way.

It makes us feel good about ourselves to insist we’re right, and to look down our noses at anyone who sees things differently. Our self-esteem gets wrapped up in our beliefs about our opinions. Sometimes our entire worldview gets wrapped up in there as well. I think of the evolution vs. creationism debates, or even the general belief in god vs. atheism arguments. A lot of moral opinions seem to fall into this category—we have a belief, and part of that belief is that our belief is the ‘correct’ one and that all others are wrong. Yep, we can build ourselves one tall house of cards like that by simply insisting we’re right and everyone else is wrong.

I remember all too well being a know-it-all. I remember my sense of self being all wrapped up in being right, knowing more than others, and the egomaniacal pride I took in showing that knowledge off. (For example, I really enjoy using big words). That tendency is still with me, and something I have to take great care at indulging in. There is a fine line to walk between being who I am, taking pride in my good qualities and standing up for myself, and letting my character defects get out of hand. Humility is a crucial part of the program, but false humility is not the way.

Because this is an area I have struggled a lot with, it’s also one in which I have strong reactions to others. I still feel my ire rise when I’m confronted with someone exhibiting this behavior. Maybe someone lies to my face, or perhaps they are on something I consider to be my turf and insist that they are right when they don’t have all the information on a situation. The part of me that wants to respond and say, ‘no, I’m right!” is still there, ready and waiting to go into action at a moment’s notice.

But here’s the thing about needing to be right—it’s isolating. When we’re in conflict with others, it’s entirely possible that we might even actually be right, but insisting on it can still damage our relationships. Standing on our own perspective when we’re wrong is definitely destructive. There’s a cost to our moral indignation, and again that’s what turns others off. It’s not that we’re right and they’re wrong, it’s that (regardless of who’s right) we’re being total dicks about it.

There are times when it’s important to stand up for ourselves, when we are in the right and we need to make a stand. There are times when we’re wrong and we need to admit it. Life is rarely black and white. In the end, we have to take each moment as it comes, and think about what’s more important to us: do we want to be right? And is it really worth the damage being right will cause? Or is it more important to be in communion with others, to be a part of a whole? And if we insist that we’re right, even when we’re wrong, how can we learn? If we chose to isolate ourselves from others, how can we continue to change and to grow and to become more than we are?

Being right and being wrong aren’t the be-all end-all of who we are. It doesn’t have to reflect one way or another on us or on our character. No one is always right. No one is always wrong. But we are, all of us, always human.