One of the most amazing parts of walking the spiritual path is having the spiritual awakening that’s talked about in the twelfth step. The shape it takes is different for each of us. Some people experience it more intensely than others. For some, it’s more of a constant, gentle nudge in the right direction.
For me, I’ve learned to recognize (most of the time) when my higher power is working in my life. It can be prayers that are answered, direct and in my face, or it can be subtle. I like the subtle ones the best. They’re like that little touch of grace that gets me through, that little bit of extra help. One small example: I have a job interview tomorrow (finally!) and needed to get my slacks and a shirt dry-cleaned. I went to the cleaners, asked for same-day service, and the woman behind the counter informed me that I’d missed the cutoff time. BUT, her driver hadn’t shown up yet. Since I only had the two items, she went ahead and took them.
Some might call that a happy coincidence. For me, those kinds of events are evidence of my higher power at work.
There’s more to it than just the incident this morning, of course. What happened today is the end result of my prayers asking for help, my doing the footwork to find a job, calling employers back, and (in all honesty) praying for the willingness to work. I do my part, ask for help, and the Infinite All gives me what I need.
All this action on the Higher Power front lately has me thinking about the nature of ‘God’. I’m not a big sports guy, but for some reason sports analogies kept popping into my head to describe it. Things the HP is not: God isn’t the opposing team, trying to prevent us from achieving or winning; God wants us to succeed. I don’t see God as the referee, either.
God is like the guy in basketball who gives you an assist so that you can make the shot. Or in football, he’s running up ahead of you and blocking other players so that your path is clear to run it in for a touchdown. Or he’s the quarterback with amazing accuracy who can get you the ball at exactly the right moment when you’re open for that small fraction of time. God is the guy behind you in the lineup, racking up RBI’s while you cross home plate. God can be the fans in the stands, too, who cheer you on and still love you even when you get beaten by a better opponent
For my readers out there who aren’t sports fans, my point is this: your higher power is a source help, of hope and strength. It’s with the assistance of our higher power that we’re able to succeed--in staying clean and sober, and in life in general. We have to do our part, practice the principles and do the footwork, and we get the help we need.
Our higher power isn’t ever going to do the things for us that we can do for ourselves, but it will always give us the help we need and do the things for us that we can’t do for ourselves.
The help is there. We have to do our part, ask for help, and we are given what we need.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
“Loud Neighbors--Again”
After a few days of more unseasonable rain, we’ve finally got a sunny day here. I’m at the rose gardens in McKinley park, enjoying some shade and a comfortable breeze. I wasn’t the only one who thought coming here would be a good idea, either. Families stroll through the gardens, couples sit on the wooden benches with their arms draped around each others’ shoulders, and dog owners walk their dogs on the runners’ path. I’ll bet that really pisses off the runners.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty discombobulated; didn’t get a very good sleep last night. My neighbors threw a loud party again. About two dozen people started showing up after midnight. It was the same crowd as last week. I’d stepped out to have a cigarette, taking my phone with me and debating whether or not to call the cops. A group was out in the quad and they yelled ‘whuts up’ to me. I told them.
While I was on hold to repot them, the gal who lives there came down to speak to me. She’s young--early twenties. She told me how she’s already let everyone know not to invite any more people, and that they need to keep the volume down. I told her that’s great, but I’m still reporting her. She said how she wished I’d just gone to her and let her know they were being too loud. I told her that I don’t play games. I said to her that she needed to learn that you don’t start a party after midnight and that my calling the cops was the best way. She said she wished things could have been different. I said, “so do I.”
The thing is, I remember crazy parties. I’ve been to a few. Or maybe more than a few. I don’t actually have a problem with parties. What I have a problem with is starting a big one after midnight. This was the second week in a row. The gal just moved in and she’s throwing weekly shindigs and that’s not cool. There are consequences to our actions. I’m not responsible for my neighbor’s behavior, she is. She’d probably insist that she has a right to throw a party, but I have a right to a quiet place late at night.
Anyway, the situation was dealt with and maybe they’ll knock that shit off. Maybe they won’t and we’ll have to go through this exercise again. My real problem is that I got so pissed about it last night that I couldn’t get to sleep even after they’d quieted down. Damn I hate the insomnia. I’ve gotta wag the dog a little, now; set my alarms and see if I can’t get my sleep schedule back to something more normal.
I’m remembering being younger, being crazy, thinking that no one else in the world mattered but me and what I was up to at any particular moment. I’m not so naive or forgetful as to not see the irony of being the asshole neighbor now. How ‘bout that? That’s the journey of growing up, waking up, realizing that there are other people in the world and that we don’t get to do whatever the hell we feel like. It’s the journey of Recovery, too, because so many of us didn’t grow up. We walk into the rooms as children--whatever our actual age--and learn the things we would have learned just through normal life but didn’t because we were always loaded and stuck inside ourselves.
It doesn’t suck to have to be the asshole neighbor, either. And sitting here today, I don’t feel all that strongly about the incident. Maybe that’s because I’ve taken the time to work the program, share about it in this space. Or maybe it’s one of those ‘intuitively knowing how to handle situations that used to baffle us’ types of things. Ah, I’m not sure how much it matters really. It’s just one more bit of scenery on the journey.
Though I really wish I could have had this serenity I’m feeling now last night.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty discombobulated; didn’t get a very good sleep last night. My neighbors threw a loud party again. About two dozen people started showing up after midnight. It was the same crowd as last week. I’d stepped out to have a cigarette, taking my phone with me and debating whether or not to call the cops. A group was out in the quad and they yelled ‘whuts up’ to me. I told them.
While I was on hold to repot them, the gal who lives there came down to speak to me. She’s young--early twenties. She told me how she’s already let everyone know not to invite any more people, and that they need to keep the volume down. I told her that’s great, but I’m still reporting her. She said how she wished I’d just gone to her and let her know they were being too loud. I told her that I don’t play games. I said to her that she needed to learn that you don’t start a party after midnight and that my calling the cops was the best way. She said she wished things could have been different. I said, “so do I.”
The thing is, I remember crazy parties. I’ve been to a few. Or maybe more than a few. I don’t actually have a problem with parties. What I have a problem with is starting a big one after midnight. This was the second week in a row. The gal just moved in and she’s throwing weekly shindigs and that’s not cool. There are consequences to our actions. I’m not responsible for my neighbor’s behavior, she is. She’d probably insist that she has a right to throw a party, but I have a right to a quiet place late at night.
Anyway, the situation was dealt with and maybe they’ll knock that shit off. Maybe they won’t and we’ll have to go through this exercise again. My real problem is that I got so pissed about it last night that I couldn’t get to sleep even after they’d quieted down. Damn I hate the insomnia. I’ve gotta wag the dog a little, now; set my alarms and see if I can’t get my sleep schedule back to something more normal.
I’m remembering being younger, being crazy, thinking that no one else in the world mattered but me and what I was up to at any particular moment. I’m not so naive or forgetful as to not see the irony of being the asshole neighbor now. How ‘bout that? That’s the journey of growing up, waking up, realizing that there are other people in the world and that we don’t get to do whatever the hell we feel like. It’s the journey of Recovery, too, because so many of us didn’t grow up. We walk into the rooms as children--whatever our actual age--and learn the things we would have learned just through normal life but didn’t because we were always loaded and stuck inside ourselves.
It doesn’t suck to have to be the asshole neighbor, either. And sitting here today, I don’t feel all that strongly about the incident. Maybe that’s because I’ve taken the time to work the program, share about it in this space. Or maybe it’s one of those ‘intuitively knowing how to handle situations that used to baffle us’ types of things. Ah, I’m not sure how much it matters really. It’s just one more bit of scenery on the journey.
Though I really wish I could have had this serenity I’m feeling now last night.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
“District 18 (Greater Sacramento Area Marijuana Anonymous); est’d 2011”
My homegroup is an MA fellowship--Marijuana Anonymous. I go to the other fellowships, to Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, but pot was my main drug, my drug of choice. I feel most comfortable there, like it’s in those rooms that I truly feel I’m around ‘my people’. Even in sobriety, stoners are still stoners and there’s a certain bent to those meetings. It’s definitely not a glum lot.
We talk often about how pot is viewed by others in Recovery. Just recently I listened to someone share in a meeting about how a huge chunk of her support group has relapsed, but don’t think they did since it was ‘only weed’. My sponsor tells a story about going to an AA meeting and hearing one of the old-timers ask the group whether or not they thought he should reset his sobriety date after smoking a joint. I have a sponsee with whom I’ve had frequent conversations about people he knows in the program who think it’s okay for them to smoke pot because they’re “just an alcoholic”. I remember all too well the days of tearing my hair out at people who smoked pot everyday, multiple times a day, and yet thought they were sober because they didn’t do crank or heroin anymore.
Marijuana is a drug, just like alcohol is a drug, just like speed, cocaine, and opium are drugs. If you’re honest with yourself about having the disease, then you know that ANY substance is no good. Some people can use marijuana occasionally, just as some people can have a drink and not be an alcoholic. I am not one of those. And I’m a firm believer that anyone who is serious about their Recovery needs to stay away from any and all mind-altering chemicals. If I were to say that it’s okay for me to drink--thinking that alcohol wasn’t my problem, pot was--then that means it’s okay for me to shoot heroin. Or take peyote. Or go shrooming on the weekends. No. Sober means sober. But I digress.
Time and time again, newcomers have come in the door, grateful that we exist. They aren’t welcomed in AA meetings and get yelled at and talked down to because “we talk about ALCOHOL here.” They get laughed out of NA meetings, told to get a life and that they don’t really have a problem and “it’s just pot; don’t be such a loser. Shit, just put it down.” I’ve got news for you folks: that’s what it means to be addicted: you can’t just put it down. People have come to you for help, and you laugh at them???
The Marijuana Anonymous program does exist. It’s a smaller fellowship, a younger fellowship. And that’s okay. Personally, I enjoy that our meetings are smaller. It means that people don’t get as lost in the shuffle. Newcomers don’t get to hide in the back; they’re right there in the middle of the circle. My local area only has about half a dozen meetings a week, but they’re well-attended. We have a book study meeting. We have a speaker meeting. We even have a newcomer meeting.
We have a body of members, elected by the individual meetings, that function as an area service committee. We plan intergroup events, have centralized our donations so that we can make regular contributions to the world organization, MAWS. One of my current service commitments is as the chair of that body.
This weekend is the yearly Marijuana Anonymous World Services business conference. My local area was on the agenda. We’ve been growing steadily, making our donations to MAWS, and asked to become an official area. When the time came, the report on our area was read and the delegates present at the conference were overjoyed to hear that Marijuana Anonymous is thriving in the Sacramento area. Our petition to become an official District was approved unanimously.
My sponsor would give me a talking to if I didn’t take some credit. But I don’t want to crow too loudly. The way I see it is I did my part. MA in this area is healthy and growing. Becoming a District was a natural next step--the next right thing for us, if you will. And yes, I was the one who handled the official communications with MAWS, put together the appropriate reports for the business conference, etc., but I see all of that as part of my job as the area chair. It was the group conscience of the meetings here in the area to try and become a District. My job as area chair was to see the will of the area done.
I’m glad it has been, too. Marijuana Anonymous is doing good things, here in the greater Sacramento area. So here’s to you, District 18. You’ve saved my life and the lives of many others. God bless (or whatever name you give to your Higher Power) and congratulations!
We talk often about how pot is viewed by others in Recovery. Just recently I listened to someone share in a meeting about how a huge chunk of her support group has relapsed, but don’t think they did since it was ‘only weed’. My sponsor tells a story about going to an AA meeting and hearing one of the old-timers ask the group whether or not they thought he should reset his sobriety date after smoking a joint. I have a sponsee with whom I’ve had frequent conversations about people he knows in the program who think it’s okay for them to smoke pot because they’re “just an alcoholic”. I remember all too well the days of tearing my hair out at people who smoked pot everyday, multiple times a day, and yet thought they were sober because they didn’t do crank or heroin anymore.
Marijuana is a drug, just like alcohol is a drug, just like speed, cocaine, and opium are drugs. If you’re honest with yourself about having the disease, then you know that ANY substance is no good. Some people can use marijuana occasionally, just as some people can have a drink and not be an alcoholic. I am not one of those. And I’m a firm believer that anyone who is serious about their Recovery needs to stay away from any and all mind-altering chemicals. If I were to say that it’s okay for me to drink--thinking that alcohol wasn’t my problem, pot was--then that means it’s okay for me to shoot heroin. Or take peyote. Or go shrooming on the weekends. No. Sober means sober. But I digress.
Time and time again, newcomers have come in the door, grateful that we exist. They aren’t welcomed in AA meetings and get yelled at and talked down to because “we talk about ALCOHOL here.” They get laughed out of NA meetings, told to get a life and that they don’t really have a problem and “it’s just pot; don’t be such a loser. Shit, just put it down.” I’ve got news for you folks: that’s what it means to be addicted: you can’t just put it down. People have come to you for help, and you laugh at them???
The Marijuana Anonymous program does exist. It’s a smaller fellowship, a younger fellowship. And that’s okay. Personally, I enjoy that our meetings are smaller. It means that people don’t get as lost in the shuffle. Newcomers don’t get to hide in the back; they’re right there in the middle of the circle. My local area only has about half a dozen meetings a week, but they’re well-attended. We have a book study meeting. We have a speaker meeting. We even have a newcomer meeting.
We have a body of members, elected by the individual meetings, that function as an area service committee. We plan intergroup events, have centralized our donations so that we can make regular contributions to the world organization, MAWS. One of my current service commitments is as the chair of that body.
This weekend is the yearly Marijuana Anonymous World Services business conference. My local area was on the agenda. We’ve been growing steadily, making our donations to MAWS, and asked to become an official area. When the time came, the report on our area was read and the delegates present at the conference were overjoyed to hear that Marijuana Anonymous is thriving in the Sacramento area. Our petition to become an official District was approved unanimously.
My sponsor would give me a talking to if I didn’t take some credit. But I don’t want to crow too loudly. The way I see it is I did my part. MA in this area is healthy and growing. Becoming a District was a natural next step--the next right thing for us, if you will. And yes, I was the one who handled the official communications with MAWS, put together the appropriate reports for the business conference, etc., but I see all of that as part of my job as the area chair. It was the group conscience of the meetings here in the area to try and become a District. My job as area chair was to see the will of the area done.
I’m glad it has been, too. Marijuana Anonymous is doing good things, here in the greater Sacramento area. So here’s to you, District 18. You’ve saved my life and the lives of many others. God bless (or whatever name you give to your Higher Power) and congratulations!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
"Keep Writing"
The last time I was actively working steps, I sort of petered out in the middle of Step 10. I didn’t think too much about it. I do have an active prayer life, and I do a lot of service as well as sponsor other guys in the program. So I felt pretty comfortable with my program maintenance. But a few weeks ago, I was starting to feel a little itchy. Maybe it was nothing more than wanting to have bragging rights so could officially say I’d finished this latest round of steps. Or maybe it’s an integrity thing. Whatever. The point is, I’ve gotten back into the steps. I hauled my workbook and journal out and have been writing.
Ha! I seem to be on a writing kick lately. I do this blog, I’ve started doing some creative writing again, and now I’m putting pen to paper and doing step work. Maybe I’m trying to give myself Carpal tunnel syndrome.
I just wrapped my latest tenth step and am feeling really good. I can see, there in black and white, that I work a strong program. I was struck, too, with some good feelings about myself: I’m a good guy. For someone like myself who lived day to day hating himself and thinking he was the worst of the worst, that is a great change to not just see but feel as well.
I’m a big proponent of writing out step work by hand. There’s something too impersonal about typing it. When I see the words on the page in my own handwriting, they seem to have more power than if I’d just typed them up. When the truths of who I am emerge from steps like ten, four, and eight, it does so very intensely. I have my sponsees keep journals to do their step work in. I think it’s an important part of the process. There’s something ancient about it, in the way that sitting around in a circle in a meeting feels ancient and sacred. Talking with each other, writing our thoughts out, pen to paper, these are things humans have been doing for a long, long time.
Many of my leaps forward in Recovery have come from doing the work and being faced with what I’ve written. I see my own words in my own handwriting and I can’t argue with them. So often, I have been the last to know certain things about myself. At first it was that I was a selfish asshole. That was something everyone who knew me knew about me. These days, it’s that I’m a good man. Again, it’s something that the people in my life know and have even told me on occasion, but when I see it written out in my own handwriting, I can’t argue with it.
I don’t know if it’s like this for other addicts/alcoholics, but for me, with all the lies my disease tells me, I have the damnedest time knowing myself. I’m grateful to the friends I have in the program who help me with that, and I’m grateful for these tools and especially the steps that help me to catch up to what everyone else already knows.
Ha! I seem to be on a writing kick lately. I do this blog, I’ve started doing some creative writing again, and now I’m putting pen to paper and doing step work. Maybe I’m trying to give myself Carpal tunnel syndrome.
I just wrapped my latest tenth step and am feeling really good. I can see, there in black and white, that I work a strong program. I was struck, too, with some good feelings about myself: I’m a good guy. For someone like myself who lived day to day hating himself and thinking he was the worst of the worst, that is a great change to not just see but feel as well.
I’m a big proponent of writing out step work by hand. There’s something too impersonal about typing it. When I see the words on the page in my own handwriting, they seem to have more power than if I’d just typed them up. When the truths of who I am emerge from steps like ten, four, and eight, it does so very intensely. I have my sponsees keep journals to do their step work in. I think it’s an important part of the process. There’s something ancient about it, in the way that sitting around in a circle in a meeting feels ancient and sacred. Talking with each other, writing our thoughts out, pen to paper, these are things humans have been doing for a long, long time.
Many of my leaps forward in Recovery have come from doing the work and being faced with what I’ve written. I see my own words in my own handwriting and I can’t argue with them. So often, I have been the last to know certain things about myself. At first it was that I was a selfish asshole. That was something everyone who knew me knew about me. These days, it’s that I’m a good man. Again, it’s something that the people in my life know and have even told me on occasion, but when I see it written out in my own handwriting, I can’t argue with it.
I don’t know if it’s like this for other addicts/alcoholics, but for me, with all the lies my disease tells me, I have the damnedest time knowing myself. I’m grateful to the friends I have in the program who help me with that, and I’m grateful for these tools and especially the steps that help me to catch up to what everyone else already knows.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
“Get A New God”
One of my atheist fellows likes to say, “if your God doesn’t want you to be sober, then get a new God.” Personally, I love that phrase because it really pulls together so many points about what kind of a Higher Power we learn to let work in our lives. Many of us come into the program believing in a God that’s punishing and vengeful, or that hates us. It’s a huge part of the Recovery process--learning to allow a loving God to care for us and guide our lives. In fact, I think one of my sponsees has said it best. He’ll share about wondering what the right thing to do in any given situation is, and he’s not quite sure what his higher power thinks, so he’ll ask himself the question, “what would someone who cares for me want me to do?” The answer comes.
This ‘get a new God’ phrase seems to show up a lot in response to birthday nights. People will be receiving their tokens for various lengths of sobriety, showing gratitude to the program and their higher power for finding a new way to live. Once in a while, someone will come up to receive a token for clean time but, because of where the birthday night falls, their birthday is during that month but is still a day or two a way. Often times they’ll say something like, “God-willing, I’ll have 5 years on Tuesday.” To which my atheist fellows deliver the quip, “Hey, if your God doesn’t want you to be sober, get a new God.”
Now, said in that way, yeah it’s a little rude. And also, when it’s said by someone who doesn’t believe too strongly in a higher power, it can be downright hypocritical. I’m fortunate enough to have a powerful God working in my life; I really don’t understand people who work the program without that help. But they do, so who am I to judge? So what makes it okay for someone who doesn’t believe to knock those who do? Nothing. And this is where my atheist friends, I think, have a fundamental misunderstanding about faith.
It’s almost like they hear a comment such as ‘God-willing’ and see it as something to poke a little fun at. What they fail to understand is that, for those who do believe--especially those who believe deeply--sobriety and Recovery isn’t possible for them without help from their higher power. They’ve admitted the depth of their powerlessness over the disease. They couldn’t get sober without God’s help. They can’t stay sober without it. Their faith is the basic ingredient of their new life.
When someone says, “God-willing, I’ll have” so many number of days or years, they’re acknowledging that they didn’t get to where they’re at under their own power. It’s an act of humility. They aren’t saying they don’t think they’ll make it, they’re saying there’s no way they could have gotten to where they’re at without God’s help.
This ‘get a new God’ phrase seems to show up a lot in response to birthday nights. People will be receiving their tokens for various lengths of sobriety, showing gratitude to the program and their higher power for finding a new way to live. Once in a while, someone will come up to receive a token for clean time but, because of where the birthday night falls, their birthday is during that month but is still a day or two a way. Often times they’ll say something like, “God-willing, I’ll have 5 years on Tuesday.” To which my atheist fellows deliver the quip, “Hey, if your God doesn’t want you to be sober, get a new God.”
Now, said in that way, yeah it’s a little rude. And also, when it’s said by someone who doesn’t believe too strongly in a higher power, it can be downright hypocritical. I’m fortunate enough to have a powerful God working in my life; I really don’t understand people who work the program without that help. But they do, so who am I to judge? So what makes it okay for someone who doesn’t believe to knock those who do? Nothing. And this is where my atheist friends, I think, have a fundamental misunderstanding about faith.
It’s almost like they hear a comment such as ‘God-willing’ and see it as something to poke a little fun at. What they fail to understand is that, for those who do believe--especially those who believe deeply--sobriety and Recovery isn’t possible for them without help from their higher power. They’ve admitted the depth of their powerlessness over the disease. They couldn’t get sober without God’s help. They can’t stay sober without it. Their faith is the basic ingredient of their new life.
When someone says, “God-willing, I’ll have” so many number of days or years, they’re acknowledging that they didn’t get to where they’re at under their own power. It’s an act of humility. They aren’t saying they don’t think they’ll make it, they’re saying there’s no way they could have gotten to where they’re at without God’s help.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
"New Phone, Old Thoughts"
1,001 one days at a time. How ‘bout that, eh? As usual, my addict brain, instead of allowing me to congratulate myself, has found ways to beat up on me. Uncle Steve isn’t just a liar; he’s abusive too. But we don’t have to go into all that. It’s just a bunch of lies.
I’m blogging now from a new phone. Over the weekend, I dropped my other one and shattered the glass. Instead of having a fit, cursing myself or my bad luck, or wailing about not having money to get a replacement, I shrugged to myself and put ‘get a new phone’ at the top of the to-do list. I researched, found a couple options, and went about finding the best price. There was a minor problem when I went to buy it at first. The guy at the store had me all set to go with a great deal and then it turned out he didn’t actually have the phone in stock. Weak. Everything turned out okay, though. I went to a different store and they were able to hook me up with the same phone, same deal. They even spread my payments out across my next few bills. Manageable? Check.
I love the new phone, too. It’s a slider design, a lot like a mini-laptop computer. The built-in keyboard is fantastic. The keys are widely-spaced and very easy to type on. The screen is good size with excellent graphics. It’s definitely better than my old phone and feels like it will last me just as long if not longer. Now if I can just avoid dropping it...
Hitting the thousand day mark yesterday, I talked to my sponsor last night and thanked him for his help. He gave me mad props for doin the deal--I stay in touch with him, I work the steps, I do service, work with others, etc. He made a special mention that I wasn’t bragging about my time, but continuing to give it away by thanking the people who’d helped me. I even spent some time with an old friend yesterday who’s kinda new to the program. It was good to see him. He’s in a sober living environment now, which for as hard as that is for him, is easier than living where he was.
I can give myself a break, but of course the disease says otherwise. Uncle Steve ain’t never gonna say he’s proud of me. Instead of looking at all the good I’ve done, instead of taking a measure of pride in my accomplishments, it tells me to focus on the bad: that I’m still unemployed, haven’t been able to quit the cigarettes, and then it jumps off from there. But I don’t have to do that. I have tools to handle that.
I can turn that perspective around and focus on the good. I can pat myself on the back for doing well in school this semester and commend my dedication for continuing on with that long-term plan. I can give myself approval for getting a good deal on a new phone instead of sitting in inaction and whining about life. I can be proud of the fact that just a couple days ago I put in another application for work; I am looking for a job and taking action to find one.
And more than all that, I’m not just sitting around on my ass. I have my music. I go to meetings; tonight’s the Area meeting and I’ve shown good leadership there over my term. I’ve even started a new writing project with a friend of mine.
I don’t just sit around anymore and let life happen to me. I’m an active participant in my life now. I do what I can and I leave the rest up to God. That’s the Recovery way.
I’m blogging now from a new phone. Over the weekend, I dropped my other one and shattered the glass. Instead of having a fit, cursing myself or my bad luck, or wailing about not having money to get a replacement, I shrugged to myself and put ‘get a new phone’ at the top of the to-do list. I researched, found a couple options, and went about finding the best price. There was a minor problem when I went to buy it at first. The guy at the store had me all set to go with a great deal and then it turned out he didn’t actually have the phone in stock. Weak. Everything turned out okay, though. I went to a different store and they were able to hook me up with the same phone, same deal. They even spread my payments out across my next few bills. Manageable? Check.
I love the new phone, too. It’s a slider design, a lot like a mini-laptop computer. The built-in keyboard is fantastic. The keys are widely-spaced and very easy to type on. The screen is good size with excellent graphics. It’s definitely better than my old phone and feels like it will last me just as long if not longer. Now if I can just avoid dropping it...
Hitting the thousand day mark yesterday, I talked to my sponsor last night and thanked him for his help. He gave me mad props for doin the deal--I stay in touch with him, I work the steps, I do service, work with others, etc. He made a special mention that I wasn’t bragging about my time, but continuing to give it away by thanking the people who’d helped me. I even spent some time with an old friend yesterday who’s kinda new to the program. It was good to see him. He’s in a sober living environment now, which for as hard as that is for him, is easier than living where he was.
I can give myself a break, but of course the disease says otherwise. Uncle Steve ain’t never gonna say he’s proud of me. Instead of looking at all the good I’ve done, instead of taking a measure of pride in my accomplishments, it tells me to focus on the bad: that I’m still unemployed, haven’t been able to quit the cigarettes, and then it jumps off from there. But I don’t have to do that. I have tools to handle that.
I can turn that perspective around and focus on the good. I can pat myself on the back for doing well in school this semester and commend my dedication for continuing on with that long-term plan. I can give myself approval for getting a good deal on a new phone instead of sitting in inaction and whining about life. I can be proud of the fact that just a couple days ago I put in another application for work; I am looking for a job and taking action to find one.
And more than all that, I’m not just sitting around on my ass. I have my music. I go to meetings; tonight’s the Area meeting and I’ve shown good leadership there over my term. I’ve even started a new writing project with a friend of mine.
I don’t just sit around anymore and let life happen to me. I’m an active participant in my life now. I do what I can and I leave the rest up to God. That’s the Recovery way.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
"Thanks To You, Readers"
Hey everybody. Today is a special day for me. No, not a sobriety birthday, but something my sponsor likes to call 'proud-time'. Today, I have 1,000 days clean and sober.
As a tradition on my sobriety birthday, I try to call people in the program who have helped me to stay sober. I call my sponsor, my sponsees, and then reach out to any others who've been a big help. It's important to remember that I didn't do this alone, that I did it with the help of my higher power and with the help of so many other people in Recovery.
In that vein, I want to give a shout-out to my readers. Thanks to Google's fancy-shmancy statistical features, I can look and see where readers of this blog are, and you truly are all over the world.
I've been writing 'Thoughts On The Disease' since September of 2009, and since that first post, there have been visits to the blog from 465 cities in 46 countries. Thanks so much for the support, I appreciate it, and it is my hope that you have been helped, too, by what I write. Keep comin' back!
'TOTD' readership, top countries:
United States
United Kingdom
Canada
Australia
India
Philippines
Brazil
Germany
Switzerland
Slovenia
South Africa
Russia
Macedonia
Italy
Mexico
'TOTD' readership, top US cities:
Sacramento, CA
Carmichael, CA
West Sacramento, CA
San Francisco, CA
Washington, DC
Roseville, CA
Alameda, CA
Phoenix, AZ
New York, NY
Los Angeles, CA
Seattle, WA
Portland, OR
Denver, CO
Elk Grove, CA
Oakland, CA
Salt Lake City, UT
As a tradition on my sobriety birthday, I try to call people in the program who have helped me to stay sober. I call my sponsor, my sponsees, and then reach out to any others who've been a big help. It's important to remember that I didn't do this alone, that I did it with the help of my higher power and with the help of so many other people in Recovery.
In that vein, I want to give a shout-out to my readers. Thanks to Google's fancy-shmancy statistical features, I can look and see where readers of this blog are, and you truly are all over the world.
I've been writing 'Thoughts On The Disease' since September of 2009, and since that first post, there have been visits to the blog from 465 cities in 46 countries. Thanks so much for the support, I appreciate it, and it is my hope that you have been helped, too, by what I write. Keep comin' back!
'TOTD' readership, top countries:
United States
United Kingdom
Canada
Australia
India
Philippines
Brazil
Germany
Switzerland
Slovenia
South Africa
Russia
Macedonia
Italy
Mexico
'TOTD' readership, top US cities:
Sacramento, CA
Carmichael, CA
West Sacramento, CA
San Francisco, CA
Washington, DC
Roseville, CA
Alameda, CA
Phoenix, AZ
New York, NY
Los Angeles, CA
Seattle, WA
Portland, OR
Denver, CO
Elk Grove, CA
Oakland, CA
Salt Lake City, UT
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