Not too long ago, a friend of mine from the fellowship commented saying he saw me as a type-A personality. My instinctual reaction (re: the Disease) was to insist I wasn’t and respond with a bunch of false modesty and bullshit. Instead, I sort of nodded my head, acknowledging what was minimally a compliment.
Before I started my Recovery, back when I was still married to my now ex-wife, I remember an argument she and I had. I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember insisting to her I was never going to be one of those type-A personalities, never going to be one of those guys who worked out all the time, or who was a leader.
One time, back when I was seeing a therapist at the beginning of my Recovery, I insisted to him that I wasn’t a type-A personality. I think I might have even said something about how I hate guys like that, that I could never be one, etc. I don’t remember his words, but looking back I recall his reaction. I’d even go so far as to say he was amused, able to see my potential at a time in my life when I still didn’t have the faintest idea what I was capable of or who I could one day be.
This is the part, here, where I mention that I’m currently serving a second term as the local MA District’s Chairperson. So much for not being a leader. Oh and tonight I went for a three mile walk because, you know, no other reason than I just happened to feel like it. So much for not being someone who enjoys exercise. And by the way, my boss called me ‘svelte’ the other day. As in, having a trim physique.
It’s pretty miraculous what happens when we start caring about ourselves enough to actually start taking care of and being good to ourselves. As for being a type-A.... in the strictest sense I am not. I do possess some of those qualities, character traits such as drive, determination, leadership, etc., but if you were to test me, I’d come up as a type-B. Maybe all the pot I smoked has left me permanently mellowed. Or maybe Recovery brings about an inner peace that helps keep the blood pressure low. And hey, either way it’s good, since heart disease runs in my family. Something I will agree with is that I have a lot of strength of character, that I am not easily swayed from my spiritual course, and have come out ahead in some serious ‘top dog’ struggles.
I mention all this as a way to illustrate how who I am today is not anyone I ever expected to be. And that I’m as surprised as anyone at the difference.
Recovery does this to people, changes us, allows us to discover who we really are. To a certain extent, we even get to decide who we are. It’s the power of having the freedom to choose. If we’re loaded all the time, we don’t have a choice; the Disease chooses who we are for us. Even if we’re clean and sober, if we’re not working a program of Recovery, the Disease will still make our choices for us.
The program gives us a choice. It gives us a way to clean up the wreckage of our past and a way of living going forward so that we don’t create more. We learn how to take action instead of merely reacting to the world around us. We get to actually live a life free from the paralyzing chains of fear. No longer are we wrapped up in the what-ifs and maybes. If we chose to, we can even learn to have strong boundaries, take responsibility for ourselves and allow other people to be responsible for themselves. It’s about becoming who we really are, as we were created to be, free from the chaos and insanity of the Disease.
In the grips of the Disease, we are the worst of ourselves. With Recovery, we can choose instead to be the best.
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