"Three For Friday"

Here's a complaint I hear a lot in the rooms: one of the hardest parts about living by spiritual principles is that most other people don't.

How true. And perhaps even truer is that THAT's the point.

I could go on for paragraphs and pages about how hard it is to be honest in a world where most people don't tell the truth, how being a spiritual seeker in a materialistic culture irritates those who aren't, or how easily the peace and serenity of good Recovery can be mistaken for egotism. But really, my fellows, that really is exactly the point. Recovery begins with the desire to quit, and then becomes so much more. It's simple, not easy, but the more we follow the spiritual path, the easier it becomes. The deeper we explore our own spirituality and our own relationship with that force greater than ourselves, the more we continue Becoming who we are as we were created to be.

* * *

I had a memory pop up today, one from my childhood. Each summer, I went to a week-long church camp. There are plenty of pictures of me from those camps, and in every one of them I'm a smiling, laughing face. Happy Zach, that's how it would appear to anyone looking at those pictures, and no doubt that's how I seemed to those around me. The truth is a little more complicated. I can remember those camps, the friends I made and the good times I had. I remember especially learning to connect with the spiritual there, in the forest, underneath the stars. But such a large part of my joy was in having escaped from my life outside those woods. And even there at camp, I was still picked on, bullied, taunted.

One year, I must have been about 8-10 years old, I was one in a group of half a dozen who were following one of the cool kids around, waiting to be entertained, trying to figure out how to belong and be a part of. At one point the cool kid stopped, picked up a rock, and pointed to a wide tree 30 feet away. He was going to show us his 'powers'. He told me to imagine myself standing in front of the tree, and that he would imagine it too. We both focused intently. Then he wound up his arm and flung the rock at the tree, striking it square where I was 'standing'. On cue, I let out a yelp of "OW!" But. Instead of being impressed with the cool kid's amazing powers, laughter ensued, all directed at me. It had all been an example of how gullible the young Zach was, what a fool he was to be say or do anything to belong.

Afterward, the cool kid took me aside, tried to make sure I understood the point of the 'lesson'. He talked to me about how I didn't really feel any pain, that it was all inside my mind. I listened, mute, struggling with every fiber of my young self no to cry anymore at the humiliation I'd endured. I certainly didn't say anything to him about how I'd only said, 'ow' because it was what I thought I was supposed to do, what I thought I was expected to say. But that's why I had done it, not because I actually felt any pain.

No, there's no real point to this story, and I don't repeat it here to whine, just to share. Just because it came to my mind today and it was something I hadn't thought about in a long time. It would take me another 25 years before I began learning that people don't respect you for being who you think they want you to be, only for who you are. Stories like this one, though, are what I remember most from my childhood. And this is how I remember them, too: always trying to be a part of, always trying to belong, and never succeeding beyond being the kid who got laughed at or picked on.

* * *

I had a spiritual revelation this week. The other night, I took myself over to the river to do some journaling. I haven't been to the river in a while, and it's been even longer since I put pen to paper to let out my innermost thoughts. Both place and action are sacred to me.

As I wrote, pondering my place and jotting down truths of my being, I had an amazing experience. My totem animal appeared and chose me. To those of you who aren't familiar with Native American spiritual beliefs, this might not be very impressive. If that's the case, I encourage you to broaden your knowledge a little. For purposes of this blog, it's enough for me to say it was a powerful spiritual experience to me. Two days later, the animal appeared to me again and I knew that my original feelings about the power and importance of the first visit had not been mistaken. It was almost as if my higher power was reassuring me, saying, "yes, that was real. Don't forget."

I've been doing some research on the significance of the animal, both as a totem and as a spirit guide, though it has yet to appear to me in a dream. I'll be on the lookout for a small sculpture of it to add to my altar at home, and it wouldn't surprise me if one day soon I find a charm version of it on a leather necklace available for purchase.

Still clean and sober over here...