“Reaching Out”

Today’s ‘JFT’ was about how one of the ways we can make Indirect Amends for some of the harm we’ve caused is by reaching out to other addicts. It talked, too, about helping out in our community. While that second part is important and not something to be ignored, I want to focus on the first.

Amends are a tricky thing. We don’t make amends to purge ourselves of fear or guilt. People who are new to the program can find themselves wanting to rush out and apologize to anyone and everyone they’ve ever harmed. This is downright dangerous for many reasons, not the least of which is that we might put ourselves at risk of negative feelings we don’t yet have the experience to handle. There is also the simple fact that saying, “I’m sorry” is something many of us did over and over and over again, while never actually changing anything. Oftentimes the people in our lives got used to hearing us apologize and seeing us not change. The words were meaningless. Should we really be surprised that they still don’t believe an amends made too early, simply because we tack on a little, “oh, but this time I REALLY mean it!” at the end? I think not.

Those who knew us in our active addiction are correct to question our sincerity. They’re right to question our motives, too. Amends come towards the end of the steps for a very good reason: we need time to practice living the spiritual lifestyle before we can be capable of truly making amends for the harm we’ve done. We need experience actually dealing with our real feelings, time to work through our own shit. We need time to clean house and take out the garbage. We need practice in compassion and empathy, in seeing things from others’ perspectives instead of being all wrapped up in our own.

Not all amends can be made directly. Whether because people have died, or making Direct Amends would cause further harm, some amends need to be made indirectly. The ‘Just For Today’ writing talked specifically about how sometimes we’ve done so MUCH harm that we can’t possibly make amends for all of it. That’s definitely one area where Indirect Amends come into play. If we were fiery balls of chaos in our active addiction, bringing insanity and harm wherever we went, then the best way to make amends for that is to do it indirectly—by living the spiritual life and helping others to do the same.

Helping other addicts does not mean telling them they have a problem and should work a program; that isn’t help, it’s taking others’ inventory. The same is true for our fellow Disease-sufferers who are already in the program; it’s not up to us to tell someone else they should be working steps or being of service (with the possible exception of a sponsor/sponsee relationship, but that’s a subject for another blog).

So what can we do to help those who suffer from the Disease? We can talk about our own experiences. That means having the courage to share in meetings about what our lives used to be like and how working the program has changed us. It means listening to those who are still active in their disease, who are looking for a way out, and talking to them about what we did to change our lives. It means continuing to work the program so that we are no longer causing harm so that we can be examples to those who suffer from the disease and those who don’t that it is possible for people like us to change.

We reach out to others because we have learned that we are not the center of the universe. We have learned that the best way for us to stay clean and sober is by helping others who are trying to do the same.