“Life Isn’t Easy”

Followers of this blog know that I don’t always have the highest opinion of the culture I live in. I think there are things about American culture which set us up for and make us more vulnerable to the Disease. I think our heightened sense of individualism leads to selfishness and a lack of compassion and concern for others. I think the constant barrage of advertisements we endure leads to increased insecurity, making us ripe for falling into the trap of thinking that who we are just as we are isn’t good enough. I’m not lacking in these types of opinions.

Another thing I see as a problem is the way our culture encourages quick solutions. Fast food. TV shows and movies that wrap up problems all nice and tidy. Got static cling? Buy our new and improved fabric softener! Dandruff? Use our new shampoo and conditioner combination! I jest (a little), but my point is that we are encouraged to think an easy, happy life is only one swipe of the credit card away. I’m going to set aside any anti-capitalist ramblings for the time being and focus instead on the first part of that sentence.

A lot of people think they are supposed to be happy all the time. A lot of people think life should be easy. That right there is our first clue that something is amiss—that ‘should’ word and the ‘supposed to’ phrase. We who have worked the program of Recovery are familiar with these. I call them forms of denial, but even if you aren’t comfortable with that harsh characterization, they still represent ways of thinking that are not Recovery-oriented.

I have said it in meetings, to my sponsees, and written it here many times: if we are thinking about what-if, then we aren’t thinking about What Is. Sure, we want life to be easy. I bet a lot of people do, normies included. As addicts, we are always looking for that quick fix, the easy answer, the solution that takes care of whatever the problem is and takes care of it right now. Small problem: life isn’t easy.

One of the most useful things I have learned to do for myself is to recognize that life can be downright goddamned difficult at times, and to affirm it for myself. In my head, it sounds something like this: “This is so HARD!” “Yes, of course it’s hard; it’s supposed to be.” It’s my way of getting out of denial and into acceptance.

If we have the idea in our mind that life should be easy, we are setting ourselves up for a whole world of hurt. Because it isn’t. So when we discover that life isn’t easy, that our quick fix doesn’t work, we play the blame game. We might blame others. Maybe we blame ourselves and ride the downward spiral of self-loathing and failure for not being able to do something we should have.

The fault isn’t ours. It’s not fair to beat ourselves up for not being able to do something that’s impossible. We aren’t failures because we couldn’t bend reality to our own will; reality isn’t ours to bend.

Yes, life is hard. But there is some very good news that goes with that. When we work hard for something, the fruits of our labor taste so much sweeter. Who appreciates a new car more--a sixteen year-old who had a flashy sports car given to them, or someone who worked a second job to save up and buy a reliable Honda to replace their old beater that was always breaking down?

Climbing a mountain is worth it precisely because it’s difficult. Running a marathon is the huge achievement it is specifically because it is so hard. Things that come easy in life don’t have a lot of worth. Those experiences don’t have a lot of depth. Doing the hard work that it takes to overcome, that is where a deeper sense of satisfaction and accomplishment comes from.

In our lives, we can feel like we are climbing mountains or running marathons. Maybe that isn’t literally what is happening, but it can feel that way. The way through is not to insist that what we’re dealing with should be easy. That thinking only makes things more difficult for ourselves—and batters our self-esteem as well. Accepting life’s challenges, facing them, moving through them even though they are hard—that is how we Recover. That is the way of conquering the obstacles we face. We accept, and then we can move forward.

Step One, my friends.