“Resolve Conflict”

I grew up in a household where conflict happened all the time and everyone was afraid of it. Conflict was scary, even evil. It was something to be avoided at all costs. You had to play massive ‘what-if’ chess games with other people, family, everyone really. You had to think about (i.e., guess) what everyone else would do if you did x, y, or z, and alter your behavior accordingly. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t make so-and-so angry. Don’t upset people. Don’t say that, someone might get offended. Do everything you possibly can to avoid conflict, and if conflict happens despite all your best efforts, then do everything you can to make it go away as quickly as possible. Apologize for everything, even if you’re not at fault. Be a peacemaker. Make everyone happy. That was what I learned growing up, the way I learned to interact with others. What a headache. Talk about unmanageable!

I think about that way of dealing with others, now, and it boggles my mind. The idea that I can know with certainty what someone else is thinking or feeling? Preposterous. That I can predict the future and somehow manipulate events, thoughts, feelings and reactions accordingly? Nonsense. Fake. Illusionary. So what if it’s done with the best of intentions? So what if I’m only ‘thinking of the other person’ or supposedly have their best interests at heart? Bullshit. I lived that way because I was afraid. Because I’m a control freak. Because I didn’t know how to deal with conflict.

Conflict used to scare me like nothing else. It brought up this intense feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I can still remember how adrenaline would course through my veins, my body instantly in a fight-or-flight mode. Even the thought of potential conflict could put me in a panicked state. Thank God it’s not like that anymore.

Understand, I’m not saying that I enjoy conflict now. Far from it. And it’s not like I don’t still feel that rush of adrenaline when conflict does happen. What I have learned (and accepted!) is that conflict is a normal, natural part of life. I don’t run from it anymore. I do live my life in a way so as to have to deal with less conflict rather than more, but not out of fear. I do it because I don’t have the patience or the taste anymore for unmanageability.

Conflict is a normal part of life, part of the human experience. We can deal with it however we choose. Personally, I prefer not to run from conflict anymore, but instead to be someone who is able to stand up for what I believe in, what I think is right, someone who can walk through my fears with courage and integrity. I don’t believe in changing who I am or how I live my life in order to avoid conflict with others; that isn’t living with integrity. And it sure as hell isn’t honest.

When conflict arises, I can handle myself with integrity and humility in those times. I don’t have to seize on the situation as an opportunity to feed my ego or to deliberately harm others by lashing out or making personal attacks. It is possible to handle conflict honestly, without being egotistical or self-effacing. It is possible to stand up for myself and what I believe, what I think and feel, and do it in full keeping with spiritual principles.

The program teaches us action, to walk through life’s difficulties not run from them. Choosing to resolve conflict instead of avoiding it is just another step along the spiritual path.