“But I'm Not Using”

It's a refrain of mine: the Disease never quits. All that I am, everything I have inside me, all my addict tendencies, thoughts behaviors, and actions, that potential is still with me. I've learned a new way of living, that I don't have to use or act out on my addiction, that it is possible to live a different way. But I've found it important to remember, to reaffirm on a regular basis, that my potential to live that way, and to cause all the chaos and wreckage I used to cause, never goes away.

It's another common comment of mine is that the Disease isn't about substances. The thoughts and behavior, the actions we take when we're in our Disease, that symbolizes the disease more than our use. People didn't hate me because I was fucked up all the time, they hated me because I was an asshole. And even though the program of recovery can help us to stop using, far more powerful for me is how it's helped me to stop being an asshole. (For the most part--I'm still not perfect ;-)

It's about the difference between sobriety and recovery. And this too is a really important point. If I'm not using, then sure that's great; but if I'm still being an asshole, then why would anyone care?

I've known people who went through some seriously rough times in their lives. I mean deaths of parents, children, life-threatening illness, and did it without picking back up. They talk about how hard it was, how they didn't get through it perfectly, but at least they didn't use. It's an affirmation.

I've know people who use that same phrase in a negative way. Maybe they're going rough spots in their own life, but instead of doing what needs to be done to take care of business, they sit in inaction and tell themselves it's okay because they aren't using. Next thing you know, their lives are going all to hell. Maybe they've found other ways to fix without drugs. Maybe they're fixing with food, or with sex; maybe they're obsessing themselves with other people and others' lives. The deep, dark, hole of their lives keep getting deeper and darker. Instead of affirming their sobriety, they use the fact of their abstinence as a crutch, as a blanket of denial or an excuse to take not take action.

Sobriety isn't the same as Recovery. If we stop working the program, if we cease our pursuit of living life by spiritual principles, we aren't living in recovery. We might not be using, but so what?