They say the disease of addiction is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. We talk about it as being a spiritual malady. Our lives improve when we stop feeding the disease and start treating it. The better care we take of ourselves, the better our lives become. We can treat the spiritual side by working the Program—going to meetings, being of service, working with others, etc. But I have found (as have others) that it is helpful to treat the mind and body aspects as well.When I was a kid, I was terrible at sports. I mean really, really bad. I never worked out, never played ball with other boys in the neighborhood, and was always picked last for the team—after all the girls had been chosen. When we had to do the physical fitness tests, I barely stumbled through the mile. Chin-ups? Yeah, right. I remember the teacher trying to force me to do just one. I couldn’t.
At the beginning of the year, I got it into my head to start doing pushups. I’d had this idea before, about three or four months into my Recovery. I started off easy, just ten at a time, and did them each day. Twice a month, I’d add five more. I got up to around 30 or 35, then one day missed and stopped doing them. Starting them again, I approached it the same way, but with some important differences. I thought of it more as establishing discipline for myself, as well as building upper body strength. There was something there, too, about wanting to be able to do a hundred pushups—something I never in my wildest dreams imagined I’d be able to do.
A friend of mine who had done some weight-lifting told me about the importance of rest and giving the muscles a chance to heal so that they can build up faster. This time around I decided that I’d do two sets—one in the morning, one in the evening—and do them only on the odd-numbered days so that I’d have a day off in between. I started easy, just ten at a time, with a plan to add five to each set twice a month, as before.
Currently, I’m doing 120 pushups on the days I work-out, and the most mind-numbingly amazing part of it (to me, at least) is that since I started doing them again, I have yet to miss a single day. I haven’t kept to my just add five principle, either, and have in fact added more as time has gone on and my body has gotten stronger. There have been times when it was difficult, but I pushed through it. There have been mornings where I wake up and say to myself, “oh, HELL no,” then give myself permission to not do them that day, and yet still find myself on the floor pumping out sets of twenty. I can see the results in the mirror, and others have noticed it, too.
As for treating the mind part of the disease, this year I started going back to school. Even before it looked like my job was in jeopardy, I had done some research on my personality type and what kind of profession I was best suited for. Almost all my searches pointed towards the idea of becoming a therapist. It appeals to me a lot. I could be my own boss, help others, and volunteer my time at Recovery houses as well. I made the decision to study psychology.
When I’d gone to college before, I didn’t do all that well. I didn’t care much about it, and my disease was entirely untreated at the time. I had a chip on my shoulder so big I’m surprised I could walk straight. I didn’t put in very much effort and blamed the teachers when I didn’t succeed. Going back to school wasn’t scary so much as it was something I knew I needed to approach with caution. I didn’t know how I would do, how much I’d be willing to put into it, or how well I’d be able to keep my mouth shut. I decided to start small, with just one class.
Back in January, I started the intro class that all psych students have to take. My teacher turned out to be someone whose political ideology differs radically from my own. Somehow, I have been able to keep my mouth shut as she goes off-topic in her lectures. Even though I want more than anything to correct her as she spouts her opinions as though they were facts, I have been able to keep it to myself. I study. I read my text and my notes, and I do the homework.
We’ve had three tests so far. On the first one, I got a ‘B’. Respectable, but not as good as I wanted to do, or as good as I suspected I was capable of doing. So I stepped up my efforts. The next test, I got the ‘A’ that I’d wanted. Even better, I got a progress report on how I was doing in the class that showed my total accumulated points: 242 out of 252. That’s 96%. I don’t know if I’m setting the curve, but even if not I’m still right at the top. On Wednesday, we had our third test. I hadn’t studied as hard for it as I would have preferred, but I went in and did my best. The results came back and it was another ‘A’.
After the craziness of Monday and Tuesday, getting that ‘A’ felt like one of the biggest victories ever. The next morning was one of those days I really wasn’t going to do my pushups, but somehow dropped to the ground and did them anyway. Afterwards, I felt great all day, and I remembered something I had learned somewhere along the way about how our self-esteem is tied directly to our successes in life.
An amazing benefit of the program, for me, has been the successes it has given me and the opportunities I have been given to create success for myself. This current set of step work that I’m doing is focused a lot on my self-esteem issues. Having just those two things—the test and the pushups—happen one right after the other was a huge boost.
I can look at my clean time and feel proud of that. I haven’t done it alone, of course, but I have kept with it and done my part. I have stayed clean and sober. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. I’m a drug addict. I’m supposed to be on drugs. Doing well in school in a class that I would have failed in the past is another miracle. Working out is one thing, but being consistently disciplined so that I do it on a regular basis and push myself to do a little more each time, is another thing entirely. The fact that my recent successes come on the heels of some very difficult life stuff only underscores their significance. And I’m not just talking about the issues with my car.
Come next Tuesday, I will be officially unemployed. There are still some issues in my personal life that I am working on. But I know neither of these things is cause to get drunk or high over. I will do what I can to find work, and I’m planning to use the time to see if I can’t make a living doing the things that I love—my music and my writing. I’m working a strong Program, doing things to help build up my self-esteem, and I know that the work I do there will help in large part with the issues I’m having and have had in my personal life for so long. I’m going to continue on with school, too, of course. Next fall, I’ll step up again and see if I can’t keep holding this success pattern I seem to be creating.
Life isn’t all successes. There are challenges, failures, it’s part of the nature of this reality thing we share. The good feelings I’m having right now won’t always be there. After all, this too shall pass. But I know that if I keep on doing my part, if I keep on taking those little baby steps, keep working the Program, and keep on treating my disease on all fronts, the general trend is towards the good. Sometimes, the climb is so steep that the things that try to knock me down don’t even cause me to bat an eye.
These are the blessings of my life in Recovery. Now, here, today, right in this very moment, life is better than I ever dreamed it could be. For the first time ever, I am having success doing things I once thought were impossible for me to do. When challenges arise, I see them as challenges, as opportunities. I handle them. I handle my life as an active participant, not a whiny bystander. I do my part. I do what I can. I ask for the help I need. Then I let go and let God take care of the rest.
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