“What Goes Around Comes Around”

We’ll make this very long story short. Last night I stood at my altar and prayed. Today, my prayers were answered. The specifics aren’t that important. The gist of it is that I prayed for guidance. The point is something that I realized on the way home today.

I was cruising through traffic, grateful to be done with work for the day, and thinking of someone I know who lost her job. She can’t prove it, but she’s pretty convinced she was sabotaged and I know enough about the circumstances to agree with her. As I flowed along in that sea of metal, I said a prayer for her, praying that goodness be visited upon her ten times the evil she endured. Then I got to thinking about how the prayer I had prayed last night had been answered for me today, and I realized how fortunate I was. So I said another prayer of thanks that the Infinite All answers my prayers.

It could be that I happen to pray for things just before they come to pass. Or it could be that I’ve learned to pray for the right types of things--things like guidance, help, strength, etc. I wonder if the big G answers all prayers, it’s just that not everyone is able to hear or see or understand those answers. Maybe I’m just lucky. Maybe the Program really works and my ever-deepening connection with a higher power is the direct result of my pursuing the spiritual. Shit, it could be any combination of all of the above.

I really want to write that there are some seriously fucked up people in the world, that some majorly bad shit really does happen. But I keep thinking about the Zen master story about avoiding judgment. I’ll try to keep it short. The story goes a little like this...

“One day a Zen master was tending his horse when the stallion broke out of its pen and ran away. When he told his neighbor about it, the neighbor replied with sympathy, saying how unfortunate it was. But the master just shrugged, saying, ‘eh. Good, bad. We’ll see.’

“A short time later, the horse returned with a filly. The law of the land was that any horse in your pen are yours to keep, and so the Zen master now found himself with a mated pair suitable for breeding. He mentioned this to his neighbor who was overjoyed at the good news. To which the Zen master replied, ‘eh. Good, bad. We’ll see.’

“When it came time for the filly to be broken in and taught to take a rider, the Zen master’s son volunteered eagerly to train her as best he knew how. But on the filly’s final day of training, she struck her hoof into a ground hole, breaking a leg. The Zen master’s son was thrown from her back and injured so badly he could not walk. Upon hearing what had happened, the neighbor rushed over to offer his condolences at such a bad turn of events. To which the Zen master replied, ‘eh. Good, bad. We’ll see.’

“A week later, the country went to war. Generals of the army began moving from house to house, collecting all young men able to serve, and pulling them from the arms of their weeping wives and mothers who feared they might not ever lay eyes on them again. But when they came to the Zen master’s house, his son was still laid up in bed recovering from his injuries. The neighbor watched the army officers leave then said in earnest to the Zen master what a fortunate stroke of good luck his son’s accident had turned out to be. To which the Zen master replied, ‘eh. Good, bad. We’ll see.’

The story continues, of course, but I think the point is made. What seems like tragedy at first may turn out to be a very good thing, and vice versa. Life will throw us all kinds of ups and downs; a calm peaceful mind looks at all of these with the same detachment (however loving) and thinks, “hmm... interesting.”

Some people believe it’s important to always hope for the best. I am not one of them. I think the thing to strive for is an unornamented acceptance. An event may turn out to be good, it may turn out to be bad. Life creates a pattern, with an ebb and flow, and one thing leads to another. When I am calm, centered within myself, I am best able to handle the oceans of this world, be they crashing waves or calm seas.

To my friend who was wronged, my heart goes out to you. You didn’t deserve it. Try not to let your heart and mind be drawn in to the evil done by poisoned souls. What was done to you has far more to do with them than yourself. Remember, too, what they say about Karma.

They say, “Karma is a bitch.”

“Being Understood”

It’s a hot Sunday. The air is heavy, sticky, what weather in supposed to be like this time of year. I think the cool summer has spoiled me a little. I’m sitting inside at my favorite caffeinating hole, oddly enough drinking a non-caffeine concoction. The place is full, but relatively quiet. It’s a good thing, too, since I’m in need of some peace.

I went to a birthday meeting today, an AA group I go to only occasionally. Picked up my 3-year AA chip, and listened to the shares. It’s a good meeting, with a lot of joy and some petty damn good Recovery. It’s also a very clique-y meeting, and one that I’ve never felt especially welcomed at. And that’s ok. There are MANY meetings out there like that. I may hit an NA birthday meeting up later tonight, we’ll see.

Something someone shared at the meeting got me thinking. It was about having a desire for peace, for calm. He talked about how he wanted life to stop being so crazy, and how growing up [mentally] in the program meant learning that life was always going to be crazy; we can’t stop it, we can only learn how to deal with it better.

The voice of Recovery in my head hears that and launches into a standard shpiel of how, when we take care of and are centered within ourselves, the insanity of the world doesn’t bother us. And that’s true, but I’m a little tired and not really in a frame of mind right now to pontificate on it.

The chamomile & soy milk of my drink is very soothing. I sip it and can feel the warmth flowing like liquid solace through my veins.

I’m remembering something I learned in a psychology class--that people who suffer from depression are actually better in touch with reality than those who don’t. Most people go through life with rose-colored glasses, not seeing (or choosing not to see) the harsh realities of reality. Not sure why I find myself thinking about that, except perhaps that when I’m spiritually tired, I tend to see those things more than at other times.

I’ve spent more than my fair share of moments being frustrated at the world, wishing it would be different, or at the very least not so righteously fucked up. Learning acceptance, practicing letting go of things I can’t change, these are the tools I’ve gotten from working the program and they’ve helped me a lot with that, but I still find myself looking around at the world from time to time and shaking my head. It doesn’t make sense. It probably never will.

I think I’m just feeling a lot of that feeling-like-an-outsider feeling I get from time to time. And I’m not sure there’s much to be said or done about it; it’s just where I’m at right now.

I will share this, though: one of my friends from my homegroup called me ‘wise’ recently. Another talked (and not for the first time) about how much he appreciated my shares. I try to handle complements, especially those kind, with grace, balancing being appreciative with not overindulging my ego.

I really do appreciate it when people tell me those things, though, and they help me more than I’m usually willing to admit. The insecurity and worthlessness my Disease spits at me never really quits. It fades into the background, more and more so the longer I work the program. Those reminders that I am loved, by people who really know me, understand who I am and what I’ve been through because they’ve been there themselves, those are the moments I really treasure. They may be few and far between, but they are what sustains me on days like today where I’m tired and the insanity of the world feels like too much.

“Choosing Life”

Today’s NA ‘Just For Today’ starts off, “Active addiction is a smoldering death-wish.” I read that and thought to myself something along the lines of ‘God, does it ever!’ For my readers who don’t frequent that fellowship, those who do know all too well that there’s more of an emphasis on the life-ending consequences of the Disease in those rooms. But the part of this JFT that I like the best is how it goes on to talk about our self-destructive behavior. I like it anytime the literature talks about how the Disease is about so much more than just getting loaded or drunk.

This central idea--the feeling of worthlessness--is a common thread through all of our lives. It’s one of the things so many of us hear others say when we’re listening for the similarities and not the differences. It’s something we all can relate to. Sometimes it’s buried; sometimes it’s close to the surface. Sometimes, we broadcast it for all to hear. Sometimes we fight with our last denying breath to admit it exists.

My feelings of wanting to die were pretty close to the surface. The fading scars of self-inflicted cigarette burns on my legs are proof of how intense it once was. I suppose the fact that I still smoke my cigarettes is proof that it’s not entirely gone.

Listening to others tell their stories is an important part of the Recovery process, for both the one talking and those listening. When we hear those stories, sometimes the similarities to our own are chilling. How many times have we heard someone say they heard a speaker tell ‘their’ story? The specifics can be what draws us in. Maybe it’s hearing some talk about being molested, or raped, or homeless, or rejected by their family. I personally tend to be especially drawn to those who’ve attempted or contemplated suicide, having been there several times myself.

But that one idea--the emptiness inside, the feeling of worthlessness, that seems to me to be something that we all share and can relate to.

I like how the JFT talks, too, about how any time we make a choice against that feeling, we are choosing Recovery. Whenever we stand up for ourselves, whenever we take action affirming ourselves, that is a stance that says ‘I am worth it’. When we start going to meetings, or start working steps, those are moments like that. We might not realize it at first, but even if we’re not aware of it on a conscious level, some part of us has decided we are worth living. Some part of us has decided we don’t want to die.

Crawling out of that deep, dark, hole and into the light is such a long, difficult process, but many of us have done it. Recovery is about so much more than being clean or sober (or both). It’s about reclaiming our humanity. Or perhaps even grasping it for the first time.

“Drama, Affairs, and Amends”

Where oh where to begin? You know that one living amends I have about... no, no that’s not gonna work. Have you ever noticed that those of us with the disease find each other... no, that’s not it either. Hey, have you... no. Hmm... wait a minute, wait, I got it. I know how to start this blog--with the point. And the point, my readers, is this:

Drama stops when you say it does.

In one of my previous jobs, I worked with a woman I was very attracted to. She was beautiful (of course), way out of my league, and married. I’m sure she was aware of how I felt, but was very good about not teasing me, which looking back is something I really appreciate now.

Working through my steps the first time, another incident--one from my past where I’d had an affair with a married woman--came up on steps 8 & 9. There was no way I could make a direct amends to that woman without causing more harm, so my sponsor suggested a living amends: no more married women. Ever. Period. It’s a good suggestion and one that I have followed.

This living amends has guided me a number of times. For the situation I mentioned above, my plan--in the unlikely event that this woman ever decided she was interested in me--was always to tell her the story of my past, tell her about my living amends, and leave it at that. It never happened, but I have been propositioned by other married women since, and as it turns out, my plan works great when put into action. I’ve stayed true to my living amends.

There are plenty of men out there who would have no problem getting involved with a married woman. To them, having a hot, lonely, gal on their jock is a great thing. I’ve even heard some guys describe it as the ideal relationship because they get everything they need out of it and none of the stuff they don’t.

But the reason I hold on to this living amends... it isn’t because I’m a goody two-shoes or because of some higher moral authority I see myself as holding to. The reasons are really, really practical.

The first is that I won’t get what I need out of a relationship if I’m involved with a woman that’s married. These days, sex is only a minor part of what I need in order to have a fulfilling, satisfying relationship. The second is that I learned my lesson damn well from my experience. A lot of people--not just me--lost a lot because of what I did. Homes were destroyed, careers lost. What I did affected so many more people than just myself.

But the biggest reason, the one that overshadows those first two, is this: I am done with drama. No more. Finished. I have played my part in that production and exited Stage Left.

Those of us with the disease know drama. It’s like a member of the family. Some of us have the hardest time trying to deal with it, trying to rid ourselves of it. Some of us don’t know how to live without it. Some of us never even bother to try.

I’ve spent a lot of energy learning boundaries, working to understand exactly where that line is that defines my side of the street from someone else’s. And you know what I’ve learned? Drama stops when I say it does. Drama stops when I decide for myself to not get involved in other people’s business. It stops when I start allowing other people to be responsible for themselves, their own situations, and their own problems.

Some people don’t know how to live without drama in their lives or in the lives of the people around them--particularly family. Some people have some crazy twisted ideas about what it means to be there for others, and about sacrificing themselves out of guilt or fear.

I’m responsible for me. Period. If I don’t want drama in my life, I can say ‘no’ to it. Maybe other people won’t understand, maybe they’ll even consider me a selfish asshole for making that choice. So what? Someone else’s opinion of me is none of my business. There are plenty of things in life that contribute to unmanageability. Letting go of drama is something I can control, and when I do that, my life becomes more manageable.

I can never make up the harm I caused to the people I hurt. But I like to think that it does mean something that, when given the choice, I’ve made different decisions since.

And hey, I won’t lie; sometimes I still think about that gal I used to work with, her beautiful brown eyes and her thick, black curly hair. But I’m proud of myself that I’ve kept (and continue to keep) my living amends going, because that means more to me than any illicit affair ever could.

“Sobriety Birthday Blog”

Today I celebrated three years of living clean and sober. I’d considered rounding some friends up to go shoot pool or something, but finally decided an easy day around home was what I really needed. That’s kind of how it goes, being an introvert.

I do have a sobriety-birthday routine of a sort, though. I once heard someone share about making a phone call to her sponsor, complaining that she hadn’t called to wish her a happy birthday. Her sponsor replied that she had been taught that, on your birthday, you should be the one to call your sponsor and thank them for helping you to stay sober. And any sponsees, too, if you have them. It’s a good story about showing gratitude, and one I’ve taken to heart. My sponsor--by no small coincidence--has the same policy.

I called my sponsor earlier today. He only had a quick minute to talk because he was sitting down with another sponsee, just starting the Big Book. I called both my sponsees as well. Birthday milestones are huge, and can be rough patches. I haven’t been too nutty this year, and I’m hoping that’s a testament to my continuing to work a strong program.

One of my sponsees recently made a request for a blog topic, actually. He was wondering what the difference is between calling a spade a spade and not being judgmental. The question reminds me of how we’re not supposed to take others’ inventories, and yet always end up doing so anyway. So dude, this one’s for you.

I guess I’d start with the reminder that our perceptions aren’t always accurate. There’s a compassion angle in there, too. We don’t always know the full story behind someone else’s behavior or the words they say. There’s boundaries stuff here as well. It’s not up to us to decide what’s right or wrong for someone else, only ourselves.

I have a little problem with the terms themselves, now that I think about it. So many people say they’re ‘just telling it like it is’ or ‘calling a spade a spade’ when what they’re really doing IS being judgmental. Pick your favorite stereotype about a stereotyped group. “They’re just like that.” As if all people in the category weren’t individuals with their own individual traits and characteristics.

So often, people claim a judgmental remark as the ‘truth’, and they somehow think because they’re speaking the truth, it’s not judgmental or that it’s okay to be so because it’s true and something everybody supposedly knows. Shall I make a list of all the things that humanity has thought were ‘true’ over the years? The earth is flat. Humans will never fly. Native peoples are savages. I’ll go ahead and stop there.

We need to be careful about certainty. We need to be wary of thinking we know ‘the truth’. Even the AA Big Book cautions us against this, saying that we have not found ‘The’ way, merely ‘a’ way to live without getting intoxicated. Never forget: even the things we think we do know for certain, we just might be wrong about.

As for what counts as being judgmental, well I don’t know any other way to say it than to say it’s when we pass judgment--we decide something is good or bad, or right or wrong. We don’t get to decide those things for other people, only ourselves. If we don’t like how other people live, we get to choose to not live that way. If we discover another person isn’t trustworthy, or is someone we don’t want to be around, we get to choose to not place our trust in them or to not have them in our life. What we don’t get to do is label them.

Recovery is about changing ourselves, learning to let go of the things we can’t control--and other people is one of those that takes a lot of work to learn how to let go. And that’s okay; it’s a process, not an event.

The best thing we can do is to strive for a Zen-like state, where we’re at peace with ourselves and with the world around us. We see what goes on around us, and we think “hmm.. interesting.” We can see the world, accept it for what it is, and not pass judgment on it. We can save our emotional investments and use them to work on making our selves healthier.

Passing judgment is a reaction, and part of the work of Recovery is transforming ourselves from people who merely react into people of action.

“Restored To Sanity”

Yeah. The key word there being ‘restored’. As in, until we work the steps, we are straight-up insane. As in, fruity as a nutcake. Nuttier than Chinese chicken salad.

A group of us were having fellowship last week after a meeting. One of the newcomers was bemoaning the problems she’s having with her ex-boyfriend. Specifically, how he still calls her all the time. Those of us with a little clean time (and who have worked through the steps) made the very simple suggestion that she just not pick up when he calls. But no, oh no, she can’t do that. If she doesn’t answer, he’ll just call again. And again. And again and if she still doesn’t answer, he’ll show up at her house.

“That’s insane,” commented yours truly.

She didn’t get defensive, but she sure did take his side. She spent some time justifying his obscenely controlling behavior, then went on to mention how she’s done the same thing many times.

“So,” she challenged, “does that make me insane, too?!”

Ah, the sound of crickets on a warm Sacramento evening.

I’m pretty sure it’s not my job to tell newcomers they’re insane, that’s why I kept my mouth shut. Some folks feel that realizing how insane we are, figuring it out for ourselves, is an integral part of the Recovery process--and Step 2 in particular. And hey, maybe even just the having that conversation will plant the seed in that newcomer’s brain, get her thinking about herself, her behavior, and wondering about her own insanity. That’s a good thing.

To be clear, it’s not the driving over to someone’s house that is the insane behavior here. I’ve had a woman I was involved with drive over to my place because she couldn’t get a hold of me. I’ve even done it myself once or twice. No, the key here is the why, the reasons behind the behavior. Apparently, this newcomer’s ex- is so controlling, so insane (yes, he is a fellow sufferer of the Disease), that he is unable to deal with as independent a behavior as a woman who is not his girlfriend anymore choosing to not pick up the phone. He’s apparently driven over to her place enough times that she feels compelled to answer whenever he calls, because she knows what will happen if she doesn’t.

As if either of them were somehow responsible for the others’ behavior. They aren’t, of course. We aren’t responsible for anyone’s behavior except our own. Girl dumps you? Deal with it, pal. Ex-boyfriend can’t deal with being dumped and calls you all the time? Guess what, picking up the phone every time he does isn’t going to cause him to stop calling, it’s only going to encourage him.

Fear. Lack of trust. These are the things that lead people to such controlling behaviors in a relationship. Here’s a little truth: you’ve got no control over other people, and that includes those you’re in a relationship with. Attempting to control the uncontrollable? Leads to unmanageability.

Work the steps, people. Get restored.

“Zen Moment II”

Ha, that was a good one, eh? Sometimes you gotta let the bullshit out first before getting to the truth. Not sure what that’s about. I don’t know if I’ll leave that previous blog up or not. It is true, in what it’s what I thought at the time. But there’s some deeper truth. It sounds like this:

I can NOT believe I am doin’ this shit.

No, I’m not talking about what I do for my job, and not even about the fact that I’m working, although sort of. Mostly, what I mean is how I’m doing this stressful job, but thinking the whole time about how it’s a trade-off. I’m doing it because of where I’m hoping it’s going to get me. I’m starting to think about things I never really have before, like buying a home, being set in a job, and am trying not to listen to the absolutely insane levels of stress going on. Because there is plenty to be legitimately concerned about.

Such as, am I future-fucking myself? Is this really the opportunity I think it is, or am I doing something I don’t want to do with the expectation it will get me something down the road? Because we all know what expectations are -- pre-meditated resentments.

Or is it the opposite problem? That I’m not recognizing the value of my skills, my value as an employee. Am I finally getting paid at an appropriate level, receiving the rewards of the hard work of the Program, and seeing what it’s like when life doesn’t just work, but life REALLY works? Am I just passing through another level of learning to be okay when things are good?

Perhaps it is nothing more complicated than what I already know--that where I work is a place that I extremely stressful, eats new personnel for dinner, and that my coworkers (at least one I’m sure of and two others I have my suspicions about) suffer from the Disease and are not in Recovery. Perhaps things are poorly run, and communication really isn’t the greatest.

I admit, I’m doing a lot of thinking about how things seem to be, and not trusting it because I’ve been wrong so many times before. What does it seem to be? It seems that I have a fantastic opportunity on my hands, that I’m doing really well with the job, and am being fast-tracked for even better things. Yes, it’s a seriously stressful job, a hard job, but I’m doing the hard work, getting it done, and being paid well for it. And what’s more, I’m being responsible about that part of it, too. I’m not out spending gobs of cash. I’m keeping almost the exact same buget as before and using the extra pay to take care of some debt and to save. There’s even the possibility that I might be able to buy a home in a couple years, depending on how things work out.

So I’m keeping vigilant, trying to keep my head above water and accept life on life’s terms--because that includes good things as well as the bad. And I’m keeping on in my Recovery, too. It’s the foundation that’s making all of this possible.

P.S. Wow. Maybe buy a home? Me? Really?! Too. Cool.

“Zen Moment”

Even at the rare times I sit down to blog, I’m having trouble doing so. I try to construct my prose, tell my stories, plan out my arguments, and then the whole ‘simplify!’ part of the program kicks in. And then my blog turns out really short, like, a paragraph or maybe only a couple sentences. For example:

Damn, do I work with some seriously insane folks who don’t know how to communicate. It drives me up the wall and totally reminds me of growing up. Secrets, assumptions, and if you aren’t perfect well then you’re worthless. But hey, that’s a quality problem to have, right? Thank god for the Program that I’m sober, that I have a job, and that I’m lucky enough to have a job that not only utilizes my skills but also pays me well for it.

See? Just a paragraph. I don’t seem to have the patience to go into all kinds of detail. Here’s another one:

With all the stress from work, I’ve been reorganizing my life. I’ve pared down a lot of things, not the least of which is not spending my energy where it isn’t useful. Such as, not wasting time chasing after women who aren’t interested in me, purging my facebook account of all the ‘friends’ I don’t actually know, etc. Concentrating my energy on the things that matter, being focused and able to make those decisions, is a beautiful gift and one I’m truly grateful for.

Tah-dah! Even writing about these things, I feel like I’m attaching more importance to them than what they warrant. It’s almost as if the ‘intuitively know how to handle things’ promise from the Big Book is morphing, collapsing into something even more efficient. Taking action is becoming something that happens so instinctively, I can’t quite seem to detail it as it happens anymore. Is this good? Bad? Time will tell. How about another ‘blog-a-graph’...

The pace of life isn’t too fast, just faster than what I’d prefer. But it’s worth it to me because I have faith that the rewards from it will come in time. I’m keeping my boundaries strong, making sure to take time for and take care of myself. But damn do I still long for days on end of sitting around doing nothing. Who doesn’t though, right? There’s got to be a happy-medium. I just hope I find it sooner rather than later.

I suppose I could do one more...

I still have my doubts about whether I will meet a woman who’s right for me. At least I’m okay these days with being by myself. It would be nice to have someone to share life with, though.

There, see, just a few sentences. Is all this shorthand bizarre? Insane? It doesn’t feel insane, just very fast. Efficient. I don’t know. The journey of life is taking me somewhere, and I have no idea where. I’m staying in touch with my higher power though and doing my best to trust that all is as it’s supposed to be. Which isn’t very difficult. Mostly, I find myself being pretty zen and watching all of this, thinking, “really? This is what life is doing right now? Well that’s pretty interesting...”

"Update"

Hello, readers. Thanks for stopping by 'Thoughts On The Disease'. Because of my new job, I'm not able to write on the blog very often. New posts will be few and far between. I've also pulled the videos from YouTube. Something about it didn't seem to be in true keeping with the 11th Tradition.

Remember, this entire blog's archive is searchable. If there is a Recovery-related topic or even just general life advice you're looking for, type your keyword into the box in the upper left corner and you'll see posts where I've written about it.

Best of luck all, and thanks for reading. Stay clean. Stay Sober. Remember, we're not human beings having a spiritual experience, we're spiritual beings having a human experience.

~Zach W.