Monday, August 15, 2011

“Zen Moment”

Even at the rare times I sit down to blog, I’m having trouble doing so. I try to construct my prose, tell my stories, plan out my arguments, and then the whole ‘simplify!’ part of the program kicks in. And then my blog turns out really short, like, a paragraph or maybe only a couple sentences. For example:

Damn, do I work with some seriously insane folks who don’t know how to communicate. It drives me up the wall and totally reminds me of growing up. Secrets, assumptions, and if you aren’t perfect well then you’re worthless. But hey, that’s a quality problem to have, right? Thank god for the Program that I’m sober, that I have a job, and that I’m lucky enough to have a job that not only utilizes my skills but also pays me well for it.

See? Just a paragraph. I don’t seem to have the patience to go into all kinds of detail. Here’s another one:

With all the stress from work, I’ve been reorganizing my life. I’ve pared down a lot of things, not the least of which is not spending my energy where it isn’t useful. Such as, not wasting time chasing after women who aren’t interested in me, purging my facebook account of all the ‘friends’ I don’t actually know, etc. Concentrating my energy on the things that matter, being focused and able to make those decisions, is a beautiful gift and one I’m truly grateful for.

Tah-dah! Even writing about these things, I feel like I’m attaching more importance to them than what they warrant. It’s almost as if the ‘intuitively know how to handle things’ promise from the Big Book is morphing, collapsing into something even more efficient. Taking action is becoming something that happens so instinctively, I can’t quite seem to detail it as it happens anymore. Is this good? Bad? Time will tell. How about another ‘blog-a-graph’...

The pace of life isn’t too fast, just faster than what I’d prefer. But it’s worth it to me because I have faith that the rewards from it will come in time. I’m keeping my boundaries strong, making sure to take time for and take care of myself. But damn do I still long for days on end of sitting around doing nothing. Who doesn’t though, right? There’s got to be a happy-medium. I just hope I find it sooner rather than later.

I suppose I could do one more...

I still have my doubts about whether I will meet a woman who’s right for me. At least I’m okay these days with being by myself. It would be nice to have someone to share life with, though.

There, see, just a few sentences. Is all this shorthand bizarre? Insane? It doesn’t feel insane, just very fast. Efficient. I don’t know. The journey of life is taking me somewhere, and I have no idea where. I’m staying in touch with my higher power though and doing my best to trust that all is as it’s supposed to be. Which isn’t very difficult. Mostly, I find myself being pretty zen and watching all of this, thinking, “really? This is what life is doing right now? Well that’s pretty interesting...”

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