“Choosing Life”

Today’s NA ‘Just For Today’ starts off, “Active addiction is a smoldering death-wish.” I read that and thought to myself something along the lines of ‘God, does it ever!’ For my readers who don’t frequent that fellowship, those who do know all too well that there’s more of an emphasis on the life-ending consequences of the Disease in those rooms. But the part of this JFT that I like the best is how it goes on to talk about our self-destructive behavior. I like it anytime the literature talks about how the Disease is about so much more than just getting loaded or drunk.

This central idea--the feeling of worthlessness--is a common thread through all of our lives. It’s one of the things so many of us hear others say when we’re listening for the similarities and not the differences. It’s something we all can relate to. Sometimes it’s buried; sometimes it’s close to the surface. Sometimes, we broadcast it for all to hear. Sometimes we fight with our last denying breath to admit it exists.

My feelings of wanting to die were pretty close to the surface. The fading scars of self-inflicted cigarette burns on my legs are proof of how intense it once was. I suppose the fact that I still smoke my cigarettes is proof that it’s not entirely gone.

Listening to others tell their stories is an important part of the Recovery process, for both the one talking and those listening. When we hear those stories, sometimes the similarities to our own are chilling. How many times have we heard someone say they heard a speaker tell ‘their’ story? The specifics can be what draws us in. Maybe it’s hearing some talk about being molested, or raped, or homeless, or rejected by their family. I personally tend to be especially drawn to those who’ve attempted or contemplated suicide, having been there several times myself.

But that one idea--the emptiness inside, the feeling of worthlessness, that seems to me to be something that we all share and can relate to.

I like how the JFT talks, too, about how any time we make a choice against that feeling, we are choosing Recovery. Whenever we stand up for ourselves, whenever we take action affirming ourselves, that is a stance that says ‘I am worth it’. When we start going to meetings, or start working steps, those are moments like that. We might not realize it at first, but even if we’re not aware of it on a conscious level, some part of us has decided we are worth living. Some part of us has decided we don’t want to die.

Crawling out of that deep, dark, hole and into the light is such a long, difficult process, but many of us have done it. Recovery is about so much more than being clean or sober (or both). It’s about reclaiming our humanity. Or perhaps even grasping it for the first time.