“Zen Moment II”

Ha, that was a good one, eh? Sometimes you gotta let the bullshit out first before getting to the truth. Not sure what that’s about. I don’t know if I’ll leave that previous blog up or not. It is true, in what it’s what I thought at the time. But there’s some deeper truth. It sounds like this:

I can NOT believe I am doin’ this shit.

No, I’m not talking about what I do for my job, and not even about the fact that I’m working, although sort of. Mostly, what I mean is how I’m doing this stressful job, but thinking the whole time about how it’s a trade-off. I’m doing it because of where I’m hoping it’s going to get me. I’m starting to think about things I never really have before, like buying a home, being set in a job, and am trying not to listen to the absolutely insane levels of stress going on. Because there is plenty to be legitimately concerned about.

Such as, am I future-fucking myself? Is this really the opportunity I think it is, or am I doing something I don’t want to do with the expectation it will get me something down the road? Because we all know what expectations are -- pre-meditated resentments.

Or is it the opposite problem? That I’m not recognizing the value of my skills, my value as an employee. Am I finally getting paid at an appropriate level, receiving the rewards of the hard work of the Program, and seeing what it’s like when life doesn’t just work, but life REALLY works? Am I just passing through another level of learning to be okay when things are good?

Perhaps it is nothing more complicated than what I already know--that where I work is a place that I extremely stressful, eats new personnel for dinner, and that my coworkers (at least one I’m sure of and two others I have my suspicions about) suffer from the Disease and are not in Recovery. Perhaps things are poorly run, and communication really isn’t the greatest.

I admit, I’m doing a lot of thinking about how things seem to be, and not trusting it because I’ve been wrong so many times before. What does it seem to be? It seems that I have a fantastic opportunity on my hands, that I’m doing really well with the job, and am being fast-tracked for even better things. Yes, it’s a seriously stressful job, a hard job, but I’m doing the hard work, getting it done, and being paid well for it. And what’s more, I’m being responsible about that part of it, too. I’m not out spending gobs of cash. I’m keeping almost the exact same buget as before and using the extra pay to take care of some debt and to save. There’s even the possibility that I might be able to buy a home in a couple years, depending on how things work out.

So I’m keeping vigilant, trying to keep my head above water and accept life on life’s terms--because that includes good things as well as the bad. And I’m keeping on in my Recovery, too. It’s the foundation that’s making all of this possible.

P.S. Wow. Maybe buy a home? Me? Really?! Too. Cool.