Yeah. The key word there being ‘restored’. As in, until we work the steps, we are straight-up insane. As in, fruity as a nutcake. Nuttier than Chinese chicken salad.
A group of us were having fellowship last week after a meeting. One of the newcomers was bemoaning the problems she’s having with her ex-boyfriend. Specifically, how he still calls her all the time. Those of us with a little clean time (and who have worked through the steps) made the very simple suggestion that she just not pick up when he calls. But no, oh no, she can’t do that. If she doesn’t answer, he’ll just call again. And again. And again and if she still doesn’t answer, he’ll show up at her house.
“That’s insane,” commented yours truly.
She didn’t get defensive, but she sure did take his side. She spent some time justifying his obscenely controlling behavior, then went on to mention how she’s done the same thing many times.
“So,” she challenged, “does that make me insane, too?!”
Ah, the sound of crickets on a warm Sacramento evening.
I’m pretty sure it’s not my job to tell newcomers they’re insane, that’s why I kept my mouth shut. Some folks feel that realizing how insane we are, figuring it out for ourselves, is an integral part of the Recovery process--and Step 2 in particular. And hey, maybe even just the having that conversation will plant the seed in that newcomer’s brain, get her thinking about herself, her behavior, and wondering about her own insanity. That’s a good thing.
To be clear, it’s not the driving over to someone’s house that is the insane behavior here. I’ve had a woman I was involved with drive over to my place because she couldn’t get a hold of me. I’ve even done it myself once or twice. No, the key here is the why, the reasons behind the behavior. Apparently, this newcomer’s ex- is so controlling, so insane (yes, he is a fellow sufferer of the Disease), that he is unable to deal with as independent a behavior as a woman who is not his girlfriend anymore choosing to not pick up the phone. He’s apparently driven over to her place enough times that she feels compelled to answer whenever he calls, because she knows what will happen if she doesn’t.
As if either of them were somehow responsible for the others’ behavior. They aren’t, of course. We aren’t responsible for anyone’s behavior except our own. Girl dumps you? Deal with it, pal. Ex-boyfriend can’t deal with being dumped and calls you all the time? Guess what, picking up the phone every time he does isn’t going to cause him to stop calling, it’s only going to encourage him.
Fear. Lack of trust. These are the things that lead people to such controlling behaviors in a relationship. Here’s a little truth: you’ve got no control over other people, and that includes those you’re in a relationship with. Attempting to control the uncontrollable? Leads to unmanageability.
Work the steps, people. Get restored.
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