Feel your feelings. Do something different. Good stuff in life can be just as difficult to handle as the bad. Maybe even more so. These are the thoughts that are circling in my brain today.
I was talking with my sponsor yesterday and we both agree that my life seems to be going pretty darn well these days. Part of it is the benefits of having nearly 2 years clean and sober; a lot of it is continuing to work a strong program. On Tuesday, I chaired a meeting and I wrapped things up by saying that Recovery isn't my life, but it's working the program that allows me to have a life. And today, because of the program, because of the help of others, and because of the grace God has shown me, life is good.
And because I am still an addict, the fact that life is good can be a problem all unto itself.
My sponsor would say that life being good isn't a problem; just accept that it is and enjoy it while you can because this too shall pass. Or he might say that if it is a problem, it's a quality problem to have. Both of those are true, and are excellent advice, but I want to take just a minute here to sit in the middle of this so-called problem and study its shape. Maybe I'm suffering a little shock from the fact of being faced with it. Maybe I'm feeling reflective because my 2-year birthday is the day after tomorrow.
Really, though, I feel like what I want most is to reach out to those reading this blog and ask the question, "has life ever gone so well that it scared you shitless?" and reply, "me, too."
I've seen people work this program, have success doing so, and manifest some pretty amazing rewards. Sometimes it's material. They'll buy a new car for the first time in their lives, or buy a house. They might finally get the dream job they've always wanted. Or maybe they find a great relationship partner, someone they connect with and can share their whole selves with.
For me, I used to do a lot of self-sabotage. I didn't believe I deserved for good things to happen to me, so at the times they did I would find some way to stop it from happening. It's not like this was a conscious thought process for me, far from it. For example, if I found myself with a great friend, I would question their motives (or their sanity) and even though I might not say anything to them, my behaviors and my attitude towards them would change, would sour. Soon enough, they wouldn't be interested in being my friend anymore. And in my mind I would think 'good riddance', or that they had proved themselves to be the phonies I had decided they were.
When we're always loaded, we don't deal with our feelings. Learning to process them is a learning process, to be sure. Many of us have plenty of experience feeling bad, so those are the feelings we tend to learn how to deal with first. But we can have just as hard a time dealing with feeling good, too. I know I do. Lately, I've been feeling a lot of good stuff. It's been very strong, intense. And I've found myself thinking along the lines of, "oh shit! What do I do with this?!?!"
I don't have to do anything with it at all, of course. I can sit in it, feel it to its fullest. It's just a feeling, it's not going to kill me. In fact, one thing I've been thinking about is that it's just as important to not react to strong good feelings as it is to not react to strong bad feelings. That was always the mistake in the past--ohmygod, I'm feeling something really strong and I can't handle it and I have to do something about it RIGHT NOW!! But that is the addict pattern. It's the need to escape, the fear of being unable to handle something. The inexperience of feeling something, and so I would react to it, do something, instead of just staying centered, feeling whatever it is, and accepting.
One thing that helps me sometimes is to imagine how I might handle what I'm going through if I were a spiritual master. And for this, it seems to me that I would handle it much as I would other intense feelings. It would go something like this:
"Hmm. I'm feeling really great. That doesn't happen all that often. Very interesting."
It's not a denial of what I'm going through, just a calm acceptance of it. I feel what I'm feeling, yet remain centered within myself. The feeling doesn't rule me, I am not the feeling, it is a part of me. Feeling what I feel does not require escape. It doesn't demand action of any kind. But even from that perspective, I admit I still have a very strong sense of "holy shit!" happening inside. And that's okay.
It's okay to feel good. It's even okay to feel really good and to be really happy. I don't have to drown in it, I can float above it and be amazed. Handling feelings takes time and practice. But the more we practice, the better we get at it.
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