I recently picked up and started re-reading Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" again. It's one of my favorite books, and even though it's a little old, I still feel it's one of those books that's a good read for anyone in Recovery--and for those in a relationship with someone who has this disease, of course.
Some addiction experts describe codependency as 'the disease, but without an addiction'. Some people call it the way we learn to relate to those who have the disease. It's a way of living that is characterized by doing things for other people that they can and should be doing for themselves; excessive helping; poor boundaries; not acting but only reacting; obsessive thoughts; low self-worth; attempts to control use/drinking; guilt-motivated actions; and a whole host of other behaviors.
A woman who takes away her husband's booze to try to force him to stop drinking. A parent who does their grown child's laundry. A man who rumages through his girlfriend's phone to see who she's been calling. A son who provokes his father into beating him instead of his mother. A girl who has sex with a man in the hopes that he'll stay with her. The addict in Recovery who bends over backwards to repair relationships with their children in an atempt to make up for years spent high. These are all codependent acts. They are all attempts to control something we can't--specifically, other people.
Many of us in Recovery have codependence issues. It's been suggested to me that codependency is my primary issue, and not my disease. To me, that question is a non-starter because I see codependency as just another shade of this spiritual malady. My feelings on the subject are "of course I'm codependent--I'm an addict." I have an innate difficulty accepting life on life's terms. I have a natural inability to let go of the things I can't control. Through working the program of Recovery, I am learning. Thank god.
I have a special relationship with this book, though, because this is the book that got me started on the path to Recovery. The first time I read it, it was a spiritual awakening all unto itself. I learned about boundaries. At the time, I didn't know that I was allowed to have them. I began the process of learning how to be in touch with what I think, and what I feel, and I began learning to live my life according to those things and not according to what I thought others expected me to think and feel. It planted in my brain the seed of an idea that would eventually grow and blossom into I Am Enough.
As time has passed, and especially as my time in Recovery has passed, I have gone back to this book. Usually I just read a few pages here and there. It's been a blessing to re-read the characteristic behaviors and thought patterns and see in myself that I'm doing less and less of them as time goes on. This book has been a huge resource for me in my work with my sponsees. It's helped me to keep my own boundaries strong and advise them in ways to do the same.
People who attend Al-Anon or ACA do a lot of work on codependency issues. Just like working any 12-step program, the changes made are true life changes. A different way of relating to other people is learned. And a different way of relating to yourself is learned, too. There's even a Codependents Anonymous fellowship, which helps people to deal with these issues regardless of whether they have someone in their life who suffers from addiction or alcoholism. I love their first step; it's about being powerless over other people. That's a valuable thing to remember for everyone, and sponsors especially.
Whether you have this disease yourself or someone important in your life does, you owe it to yourself to give this book a read. It can change your life. It sure changed mine.
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