"Less Than"

People don't need to know that we're drug addicts in order to treat us like shit. There are all kinds of other reasons. Any excuse will do to treat us as less-than. Because we're a man, because we're a woman; because we're gay, because we're straight. Because we're red, black, yellow, brown, or white. Because we’re poor. Because we’re rich. When AA first started back in the 30s and 40s, there was a social stigma attached to alcoholism that many of us might have a hard time understanding. We don't have to deal with that as much anymore. Even the stigma against being a drug addict is passing as more people come to understand the nature of the disease, and that those who suffer from it need help and not punishment.

But people will find any excuse to treat other human beings as less-than human. As for those of us in Recovery from this disease, we get to learn how to deal with being treated that way. We get to learn how to act from our spiritual sides, instead of just reacting. When someone confronts us, treats us badly, the temptation rises to lash out. If someone is talking shit to our face, we want to trash them back, or give them the beating we think they deserve. Recovery teaches us we don't have to do any of those things. Not everyone has the urge to react in those ways, though.

Some of us hear a voice telling us we're no good and think it to be true. I am one of these. Growing up, I had many voices telling me I was worthless and few to tell me that wasn't true. I had very few successes to help me build self-esteem. Growing up, I learned that I was worthless, no good, not a person of value. I learned, too, to cover this emptiness up with loud, boisterous bragging. I covered up the fact that I knew so little by acting like I knew everything. I covered up my deep insecurity by acting like I was the shit, and with a lot of false modesty thrown in in an attempt to force others to tell me things I didn’t know how to tell myself.

Feeling good about ourselves has to come from the inside.

It was not until I started Recovery that I began to learn that I was a person of worth and value. And it was a long time before I started learning how to love myself. This, too, is a process. It takes time. The longer we work at it, the better we get at it. I began this process by feeling the love of other people in the group. It didn't make sense to me at first, but over time I began to accept it. I learned how to have boundaries and how to let go of people in my life who didn't treat me with love. I learned that I get to choose who is in my life and who isn't. Slowly, I learned that I do deserve to be treated well, that I don't deserve to be treated as less-than. Slowly, I am learning to accept that there will always be others are going to treat me as less-than, no matter what I do.

Now that I know these things, my reaction when treated as less-than tends to be more like the first example. I feel my anger rise, my righteous indignation, my ego being threatened. There is a part of me that feels threatened, his back up against the wall. Somewhere inside of me, a protective voice wants to shout, "how dare you! Who do you think you are to say that to me? To do that to me? Don't you have any idea what I've been through, the hard work I've done? Don't you know who I am?!?!" And this, of course, is my disease, too. As much as the part of me that wants to give up and accept another's limitations on me exists, so too does my disease want to bash the face of someone who lowers me to a status less-than theirs.

It's about balance, about finding the middle ground. I don’t have to accept someone else’s opinion of me, and I don’t have to try and change it. I can know, inside, that I am enough, and that someone else’s opinion of me is none of my business.

So I remember that I am a person of worth, and of value, and that I am loved no matter what anyone else might think about me. I remember that I am human, imperfect, and that I am going to fall short sometimes. All I can do is my best. And my best is good enough. I am good enough. I don't have to prove it to anyone anymore, not even to myself. I know it, deep inside.

Sometimes I forget these truths, but because I make healthier choices these days, I have people in my life now to remind me of them.