"Being Honest About Defects"

"I'm an easygoing guy." Translation: I'm lazy. Today's JFT is about being honest with ourselves about our defects. It's a huge point. If we aren't honest with ourselves about the objectionable aspects of our character, why would try to change them? Why would we ask our higher power to remove something if we don't think it's a problem?

Looking at our defects is tough business. Being honest with ourselves about who we really are isn't easy. We are prone to denial. Lying to ourselves about ourselves was a way of life for us, often times for many, many years. We take the first stab at piercing that veil of denial when we admit we are addicts/alcoholics. We begin practicing the spiritual principle of Honesty when we take the first step. We keep on practicing it as we continue working the other steps.

We learn to practice a particular kind of honesty--rigorous honesty. Not brutal honesty, and definitely not the kind of honesty where we hide things to 'protect' other people from pain or sorrow. We don't stop practicing rigorous honesty when we start looking at our character defects. The temptation is there of course. We may want to gloss over things, or make others out to be worse than they really are. Pretending our defects aren't that bad means we won't work to change them. Being too hard on ourselves means we won't be treating ourselves with love.

I have my defects. Laziness is one, for sure. Low self-esteem is another. Perfectionism is in there, too. But if I'm not honest with myself, I can't do anything about them because I've got myself locked into a head space where I think nothing's wrong. We say it all the time: the program isn't easy, but it is simple. It's not easy to look at myself and see my worse qualities. It's not easy to admit that I need to change--even now. I am a work in progress and always will be. And that's okay!

Last week, I gave a presentation in one my classes where I talked about my experience dealing with depression, seeing therapists, and psychiatrists over the years. One of my classmates gave me props afterwards, commending on my courage and strength for being able to stand up before the entire class and speak about something so personal. It's not that I wasn't afraid to do it. I was. I got up there and did it anyway. I tend to forget that I'm a man of strength and courage. It's part of my self-esteem defect, that I don't like thinking of myself as having good qualities.

Yesterday, I had coffee with a friend. As we were saying our goodbyes, she commented on how clear it is that I'm doing well--even though I might feel like I'm not. It was yet another reminder to me of how I focus on the bad things instead of giving myself credit for the good. I may be unemployed, but I'm keeping busy and making good use of my time. God knows I wouldn't have been able to do nearly as much work on getting my music out there if I was working.

The spiritual principles of steps six and seven, where we deal with our character defects, are willingness and humility. It's about becoming right-sized. We continue to look honestly at ourselves. We get better at assessing ourselves as we really are, not who we think we are or who we want others to think we are. Looking at our character defects honestly is just another part of the process.