“Guilt Training”

It’s Christmas season over here. The tension hangs in the air like a wet fog. Tons of people, everyone rushing around to find the perfect gift, to get this last one thing. Normally sane drivers are suddenly weaving through freeway lanes for no apparent reason. I even found myself stopping at a green light the other. Took me a few seconds to understand what all the honking behind me was about.

I suppose I’m tempted to go on a long diatribe about the material nature of my society, mark bullet points on the irony of buying stuff in order to show love, and I may yet still write that blog, but not today. I am thinking about the giving of gifts, though, and the receiving of them. Ever have someone give you a gift you didn’t want? Usually it’s a family member you haven’t seen in awhile, or maybe even your significant other. They hand you this... whatever it is... and feel so proud of themselves. You open it up and inside your heart sinks a little. Oh. Great. Swell. It’s just what I didn’t want. Still, you do your best to smile and say, “thank you.”

It’s a curious twist of culture. Someone gives you something that you didn’t ask for, don’t want, and your job is to appreciate it anyway. ‘It’s the thought that counts’ we say. Because, for some reason, the thoughts of the gift receiver about throwing whatever it is that we’ve been given in the river don’t count. Probably a good thing.

Or is it?

I’m going to ramble a bit here, because I have several thoughts going on at the moment. Is it a good thing to be so dishonest? Sure, you can say occasions like these are times where the little white lies are necessary. But I feel this situation skirts the edges of codependence. Maybe it’s just my own experience peeking through. I can think of many times where someone else has decided I needed something, I’ve told them I don’t, and then they’ve gotten it for me anyway. And then their feelings get hurt when I have the audacity to remind them of what I’ve already said.

Polite society. Ick. Such a sticky subject. Because this is the time of year where we’re all supposed to pretend that everything’s all happy and wonderful. And if someone gives us a gift, we’re supposed to be thankful that they did so, regardless of what it is. Because, you know, here in America, it’s the giving of things that shows we love each other. [Rats, it snuck in there!] Pardon my sarcasm, it just has always struck me as bizarre. We don’t know how to show love and affection for each other, so we buy shit instead.

But this whole ritual, regardless of what time of year it is, has always struck me as strange. Someone else decides for you what you need and then you have to go along with it otherwise you’re an ungrateful wretch. Well, I know it’s not like that for everyone, but it’s very familiar to me.

I like being able to decide for myself what I do and don’t like, what I do and don’t want. Other people don’t get to decide for me who I am, only I do.

Okay, that’s enough ranting. Time for some gratitude work. Not everyone receives gifts. Not everyone has family or friends to spend this time of the year with. Some of us even work extra hard to push people away so that we end up alone even though we hate that we are. Not everyone can afford to give gifts, and our culture is merciless towards those who can’t. We have this knee-jerk response that someone is a bad person if they can’t afford to buy stuff.

The path of honesty isn’t always a clear-cut one. There are certain things we are expected to not be fully honest about. Our response when someone asks how we’re doing; the receipt of an unwelcome gift. it would be nice if we lived in a world where everyone followed spiritual principles, but we don’t. We can live by those principles ourselves, do our best to follow that path, and work hard at being honest with ourselves and others. But it ain’t easy. And that’s okay. If the spiritual path were easy, everyone would do it.

Yeah, a bit of a ramble today. How ‘bout that?