"Back At School"

It's about 8:30 am. I'm back at school, starting today, with a full day ahead of me. It's the next step in the long-term goal of becomming a therapist. This semester it's three classes--Statistics, Social Psychology, and Issues of Diverse populations. First class starts at nine. The parking here in the morning can be a real zoo, but I hauled my lazy-ass out of bed and made it here by a little after eight. Not bad for a jobless recovering addict.

I'm feeling alright. I took some meditation/prayer time this morning to check in and discovered I was feeling pretty good, centered. It feels good to have something of a schedule, even if rising from my bed this early tends to put me on the cranky side of things. I'm hopeful that I'll have some better teachers this time around, and am a bit more optimistic and my subjects. It's back to just Psychology.

I think I'll update throughout the day here. Mainly cause my brain isn't quite up and running yet. And it's pretty cold right now.

***

Two classes down, one to go. I've got a two-hour break right now and I'm trying to decide if it's worth it to me to go home and come back. Probably not. I was waitlisted for these first two classes and got into both. I like both the teachers and I feel myself cheering up at being back to studying psychology. I really enjoy it a lot. Having good teachers leads me to a big 'thankyoujesus' sigh as well. It's frustrating as hell to sit through a bad instructor.

Not much to say about the second class--Social Psych. It was packed, but the instructor said he's going to add everyone. I'll have to be sure to get there early enough to get a seat. The first class, Statistcs, that one was interesting. Not because of the class.

Waiting outside, I bumped into an ex-girlfriend. Haven't seen her in a while. Maybe a year. And we didn't part on good terms. But we were friendly to each other, polite. The conversation wasn't terribly deep, and that's okay. Nice to see that I continue to grow and mature. It occured to me to ask her if she was still seing my ex-best friend, but I just let that idea pass out of my mind as soon as it came in. It doesn't really matter anyway. Things in the past can stay in the past. Maybe time has healed that wound better than I thought it had.

When I sat down, I noticed the girl in front of me. Not because she was good looking (she was okay) but because I spotted her as a cutter. She was dressed very... I don't know, average. Slightly dumpy. With a gray knit hat on her head. On her arms though, were elaborate, laced braces. Black, a few items of silver jewelery attached. I didn't stare or speak to her or anything, just noticed them. I suppose it's always possible that she wears them to cover up scars, maybe even suicide attempt scars, or maybe some other reason entirely, but the energy I felt was very much that of a cutter. I wonder how many other people out there would recognize it? Other cutters, I'm sure, would pick it up. Normal folks, people who've never harmed themselves, wouldn't have the faintest clue.

It's been a long time since I burned cigarettes against my legs, but I still understand that self-mutilation impulse. I still have about a dozen scars, with more which have faded. I've talked to others who harm themselves about it. I tell them how I hope the scars never fully go away. They are a reminder to me of what it used to be like and how far I've come. And they show others who do the same, that they aren't alone and that someone else understands.