"No Frontsies"

I’ve heard people in Recovery talk about the need to approach others with an unconditional positive regard. This subject (in a way) came up in my social psychology class this week. The class was talking about the movement in education and child-rearing toward showering children with positive comments: “you're the greatest”, “you can do anything”, etc. The professor said that this can help a child’s self-esteem, but most of the time what happens instead is the kids get this positive message at home, then go out into the world and discover that it isn’t true. Instead of learning good self-esteem, what they learn is that their parents are liars.

I heard this comment and thought, “welcome to my world.”

With the best of intentions, my parents told me all sorts of things along those lines. I got the distinct message that I was special. Then I went out into the world and couldn’t understand why the world didn’t recognize my special-ness. I mean, fuck, didn’t they know who I am?!

It took some time and some hard knocks for life to beat into me how only people who actually ARE special are lifted up, not just those who think they are or whose mommy’s told them so. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not shitting on the idea of supporting your kids. Praising them for their success is important. So is telling them you’re proud of their achievements. No, what I object to is lavish praise and reward without merit. Why? Long-time readers... all together now...

It’s dishonest.

Why do so many people think the world owes them something? Because they’ve learned that they will receive rewards for doing nothing, or at least very little. Some people think that folks pull harder when they’re part of a team (the psych analogy talks about a tug-of-war) but the real truth is that people don’t work as hard when part of a team, not the other way around. But I digress.

I’m usually of the opinion that honesty is the best policy--regardless. Even if it’s your kids. If I ever am fortunate enough to have children of my own, their mother and I will no doubt have some seriously heated debates about Santa Claus. Honesty is hard, of course it is, but I truly believe that it is always possible to be honest. We don’t have to sugarcoat things. We can find a way to speak truths to each other in love. Telling kids that they’re the best? Not good, in my book. Telling them that if they work hard they can be the best? Also not the greatest idea. So how about telling your children that all they can do is their best, and that that is the ideal to strive for.

I was talking with one of my sponsees the other day about this idea of perfection, and he made the comment about how, growing up, he was taught that he should always do his best, but that his best was expected to be ‘perfect’. I told him there is only one ‘perfect’ of which I am aware--his higher power.

When I was a kid, I was terrible at sports. I played soccer during the summers, and no matter what our team placed in competition, we all ended up with trophies at the end of the season. Everyone on the team got the same trophy, which meant that I got the same trophy as the kid who had scored the most goals even though I never scored a single one. I hated those damn trophies.

In the rooms of Recovery, we don’t get trophies. We get keychains and sobriety tokens. And we get them only when we have done the hard work and achieved the actual goal. I’m a firm believer in ‘no frontsies’. If someone announces they have a sobriety birthday coming up in the next few days, I nod politely but I don’t clap. When their birthday has passed, when they have reached that milestone and walk up to receive the small token of reward, then I praise them.