"Reward Yourself"

((Earlier today, a magnitude 8.9 earthquake struck off the coast of Japan, devastating that country and sending tsunami thousands of miles across the Pacific Ocean.))

Not all of the lessons of Recovery are harsh. One of the better ones is learning to reward ourselves. We can do it when we've worked hard and achieved a goal, or as a pat on the back for staying sober through a difficult time. The first big way I put this into practice was when I had about a year and a half sober. To make a very long story short, I went through a bout of crippling depression. I wasn't exactly suicidal, but I was definitely out of my mind. A good friend of mine suggested afterward that this was a time where I really needed to reward myself. I went out to the local animal shelter and rescued a cat. She's a sweetheart. I'm very glad to have her and now I can't imagine coming home to my apartment without her there.

Yesterday, I had a big test in my Social Psychology class. I've been monitoring my progress in there, unhappy about having a high 'B' and not an 'A' (because, like others with the disease, I have a slight problem with perfectionism). I'd done some calculations and knew that if I got a solid 'A' on the test, I could push my grade in the class up into the 'A' category. Problem was, I had an 8-page paper due this weekend for a different class. I knew better than to work on both at the same time. I didn't want to be studying for my test with the paper nagging in the back of my mind, and I really didn't want to be rushing to get the paper finished at the last minute. So I did the research and wrote the paper early, then studied hardcore for the test. The results? The test went well. I was even able to get my other professor's feedback on my paper & write a better draft before turning it in.

When I got home from school, I uploaded my paper, then went online to check my test grade. Not only did I get an 'A', I made the top grade. Wrecked the curve, in fact. Almost instinctively, I felt it was an occasion to reward myself. Nothing major, I just took myself out for a coffee and shot some pool. Before heading in to the pool hall, I called my sponsor to give him the good news. We had a tongue-in-cheek conversation about how remarkable it is that when you're not stoned, you do a lot better in school.

I had a conversation with a friend in the program on this subject recently, too. We agreed that those of us in Recovery tend to do really well when we go back to school. Maybe it's something about the challenge of seeing what we're capable of now that we're not loaded all the time anymore. It could be that the dedication we practice through working the program gets applied well in all areas of our lives, school being just one of them. Maybe we pay just a little bit more attention because we have a better understanding about how precious life is. I'm sure the perfectionism comes into play as well.

Speaking just for myself, it was a very satisfying experience to have the clarity of mind to be able to look ahead, plan things out, to have the drive and determination to work hard, and then to see such a good result. I'm really proud of this grade. I earned it, ya know?

I called my dad to let him know about what had happened and that I am proud of myself. I suppose I could have waited until the next time I saw my parents and told them both, but I have the feeling that my mom will respond by reaffirming that I'm "so smart". And sure, I've got a brain. But I didn't get this 'A' because I'm smart, I got it because I planned well and studied hard. I worked for it. That's why I rewarded myself yesterday, not because I got an 'A' but because I worked hard and got the grade I deserved as a result of it.