"Strange Prayers"

School is hitting me pretty hard. Spring break is less than a month away, but before I can get to it, I've got quizzes, midterms, and a research paper due. I took my Statistics midterm this morning and was about five minutes late for class. It was a tough test, and I hadn't done nearly as much studying for it as I would have liked. My insomnia has been bad lately. The lack of sleep hasn't been a problem for me so much as getting up this morning was. I watched the clock the whole way to school, ended up with a far-ass away parking place, but made it just in time.

On my way to class, I said what seemed to me like the weirdest prayer. I admitted to God that I hadn't done much studying, then asked for help to do my best. I didn't ask for a miracle 'A' or an easy test or for the magical strength to totally outperform in spite of my lack of studying. I owned up to what I hadn't done, and just asked for some help to do as best I could under the circumstances. It's almost like I said, "Dear God, I'm fuckin up; help me to do better." Maybe it's not such a strange prayer after all.

The brain's been loud. Thank god for some sun today. I hear the weekend will bring more rain, but for right now I've got springtime California weather like it's supposed to be. Not too hot, mostly sunny, and a light breeze. Weeks of clouds and rain don't help me to feel better, for sure. And my disease has been doing that tear-Zach-down thing in the fiercest voice lately. I think that's another reason why the prayer felt so strange--I didn't waste any time beating myself up. My Recovery instinct kicked in, took over. 'Well, I didn't really study, but there's nothing I can do to change that now.'

I didn't do something else, either: no excuses. I could have done some justifying, looked at all the good I accomplished this weekend and given myself a pep talk. 'I helped out my parents, I started running again and did it on both Saturday and Sunday. I did some good studio work with my buddy yesterday, took a friend to a meeting, conducted a business meeting, and still made time to do my weights too. Oh yeah, I also wrote three new tracks over the weekend and did some mixing.' None of that went through my mind. It was just, "get to class; no, I haven't studied as much as I wanted to; God help me to do the best I can."

I'm a good test-taker. I know how to budget my time well. Taking the stats test this morning, I felt panic at the edge of my brain and pushed it back many times. Panic doesn't help me to do my best. Taking my time, relaxing, focusing on what I can do--those are the things that help me to do well. The wisdom of Recovery can be applied in every aspect of my life: accept what is; don't worry about the things I can't change; do my part; do the next right thing. Probably the most amazing thing through all of this morning is that I didn't panic. Even when it became clear to me I was going to be late, I was still calm. Even though panic was nipping at the edges of my consciousness, it didn't take control of me. Amazing shit, really. And so, so different. Hell, I even made sure to buy a parking pass so that I wouldn't get a ticket. Just another slice of progress.