Friday, July 2, 2010

"A Hole In My Program"

(This blog is first in a three-part series, "Searching For Hope")

So I've just stepped out of a meeting. The discussion topic was Hope. My brain started to do its usual thing where I think about all the things I'll say if get called on to share, then I let go of that and opened my ears up to listen. Sure enough, I got called on and found myself at something of a loss for what to say.

I mentioned how I didn't have much hope when I first came into the rooms, and that when I found some it was just a sliver at first. I agreed with what someone else had said earlier about how their life hadn't been great even before the disease took over. Then I said that I had found hope in the rooms, that I keep finding more, and that that in itself was amazing. I thanked the chair for his service, gave back the rest of my time, and that was it. Literally.

I'm not usually someone who keeps it short, but for some reason I didn't have much to say tonight. And hey that's alright. It might even be good for me to say less for once instead of more. But this is the second time 'hope' has come up as a topic where I didn't have much to contribute. It's got me thinking. Ruminating.

It's not like I don't know anything about hope. The second track on my last CD was called 'Hope'. For that matter, the second track on this current project is called 'Hope Visions'. It's the spiritual principle behind the second step. But for whatever reason, I don't seem to have much to articulate about it in a share. And I can't help but notice that I don't seem to be saying much about it here, either.

My guess in this moment is that I know far more about the other side of the coin--fear. I used to dare to hope, but so much of my program these days is about letting go and trusting God that hope seems almost irrelevant. Maybe I'm afraid to hope because my hopes have been in vain so many times. Or maybe I've found a weak spot in my spiritual practice. Maybe the next right thing is presenting itself.

I think it's time to start spending some time thinking about hope.

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