"Prayers For Others"

"Just don't drink or use and everything will be alright."

"Sometimes there are more important things than not getting loaded."

* * *

I have two people on my mind today, both of whom I hold dear to my heart. One has been out of work, unable to find employment for years, and is being evicted. The other is dealing with an abusive relationship and seemingly unconquerable mental health issues. They both have plans. One of them is going to not drink or use no matter what. The other is doing everything she can just to stay alive.

When I was a kid, I was taught that being an adult is simple: go to college and when you get out you'll get a decent paying job. With some hard work and dedication, you'll make your way steadily up the ranks. You'll be able to support a family, buy a house, and have time on the weekends to build a white picket fence. Reality turned out to be a far cry from that fantasy. So many people still have this idea in their head, though, that all you have to do is work hard and you will be rewarded. People of this stripe never seem to understand that some people don't ever get rewarded, no matter how hard they work. For all our gains against prejudice and discrimination, these forces are still alive and well. Just ask anyone who's black, or a woman, or older.

We live in a youth-oriented culture. Sometimes that means business owners will only hire young, pretty faces. Sometimes it mans they'll only hire the inexperienced, cheap labor. Sometimes it means you can't find a job no matter how hard you try, no matter how much good experience you have, for no other reason than you're just 'too old'. Not that any prospective employer will ever state it like that. No, they hide it instead in phrases like, "you're overqualified." My friend who can't find work believes very strongly that's what her situation is--that she isn't some young thing who shows off her cleavage for all to see. She's probably right. She gets asked regularly what she's going to do, where she's going to live. Her answer is a firm, resolute 'not get loaded.' She doesn't know what's going to happen, but for her she knows the way to get there is staying sober.

Some might call that a profound act of faith, and it is, but she would just shrug and say that she's learned the hard way that it's the only path open to her. All the others are dead ends.

* * *

It was through choked back tears that I heard firsthand the story of my other friend's relapse. Listening to her frightened voice over the phone, she told me about the state of her relationship--in broken shards because of infidelity. No amount of group therapy, meetings, or service was enough to keep her spirit from crumbling. The pain of years of abuse, coupled with a brain that never stopped telling her she wasn't worth anything better, was more than she could bear.

I would never dream of looking down my nose at her for needing to escape. For many addicts, the mantra of not getting loaded one day at a time gets broken down even further--one minute at a time, one second at a time, one moment at a time. For those dealing with a dual-diagnosis, battling severe depression and overwhelming life circumstances, not getting loaded can take a backseat to the far more crucial business of mere survival. Who has time to worry about getting loaded or not when it takes all you have to not commit suicide?

Some might argue that that's putting the cart before the horse, but my compassion wins out for people struggling in that deep valley of shadows. There are those that can use the energy of not getting loaded to motivate themselves and stay alive. But for me, having spent enough time walking through that valley such that I will never forget its darkness, I can not condemn someone for getting loaded if that's what they need to do to hang on to life for a few more days. If you're still alive, you still have the chance to make things better. The callousness of saying, "yeah, they killed themselves, but at least they died sober" is, in my mind, unforgivable.

* * *

Of course the ideal is to stay alive and stay sober. Life isn't always ideal. In fact, for most of us with this disease, it is so far from ideal that the idea itself is laughable. We go through a pain deeper than many can ever know. We face judgment and ridicule, not just from people on the outside looking in, but from within ourselves as well. My greatest enemy will always be my disease--that nagging voice inside that tells me that no matter what I achieve in life, no matter how much good I am to others, I will still be worthless. I am fortunate that that voice is not nearly as loud as the constant drone it used to be. It has quieted because I've had success working the program of Recovery. But it isn't always quiet. It can still scream. Sometimes, it's louder than anything else. It tells me lies that I feel are true, no matter how much evidence there might be to the contrary.

My prayers are for these two friends of mine today. I praise their courage and their strength. I hope from the deepest part of myself that each of them holds on and pushes through to better days. God be with you, my family.