Tuesday, October 12, 2010

“Right, Then…”

One of my more, oh, let's call it 'exciting' character quirks is that I am a deeply insecure, raging egomaniac. If I were to get all official-like, I’d call it a character defect. It’s an evil, two-sided coin. Even though I have done a ton of work on it, it still crops up. On the one side (usually the outside of me), is the demand that others recognize me as the greatest there ever was and treat me as such. On the inside is the deep-seated knowledge that I am a worthless sack of shit that doesn’t deserve anything from anyone and isn’t even worth the air he breathes.

Okay, I exaggerate. A little. Let’s move this discussion into the realm of what it used to be like…

The egoist part of me was convinced he was always right. He was so convinced about it that anyone who said differently wasn’t worth speaking to. If you challenged me, I discounted you. The insecure part of me wondered what the fuck was wrong with you that you were even speaking to me. If you did, I figured you had to be crazy, insane, and so I discounted you.

Can you see the pattern here? This evil two-sided coin of a character defect served very specifically to keep me isolated. It kept me away from other people. My brain was convinced that the only way I could relate to others--or them to me--was if they thought of me like a god or like insects to be ground under foot. I had no concept of a middle ground. I was either one or the other: all bad, or all good.

The program of Recovery teaches that I am neither.

I have done some bad things in my life, but I have done good things, too. I can take responsibility for all of these. I can claim the good I have done, be proud of myself for it. I can claim the bad I have done, put myself in the other person’s shoes, and try to make amends. More than anything, I can recognize that I am only human, not perfect, both good AND bad. It is the mixture of both that is the truth of who I really am, as I have been created.

Recognizing that, getting a true picture of who I really am and acting accordingly, is what it means to be right-sized. That is true humility--being honest with myself about who I am and how I live my life.

I don't have to be right all the time, or even most of the time. But most of the time, I do my best to be right-sized.

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