"Dealing With Conflict"

One of my sponsees is currently a meeting secretary. I'm proud of him for finally taking on that service position. It's been a little difficult for him and he's discovered an interesting little tidbit--that meetings 'look' very different when you're sitting in that chair. He's not someone who has any trouble with public speaking, but is finding a little bit of difficulty in keeping order. We've talked about it, how it relates to self-esteem and fear issues, and how it's a growing opportunity for him.

Sometimes he has difficulty with the louder members of the fellowship. Not everyone in a meeting is polite, of course. Most people wait their turn, wait for others to finish, are good about not engaging in crosstalk, etc. Not everyone is like that, though. He & I have talked about his hesitance to shut someone down when they've shared too long, or when they're sharing more than once and not giving others an opportunity to speak. He doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He doesn't want to be rude. I try not to laugh too hard at this, because it is such a common feeling, and one that I know well and have struggled with plenty myself.

I've encouraged him to be assertive and to remember that a big part of his being the meeting secretary is keeping order and making sure the meeting runs smoothly. The other night, he managed to answer his own question. He was talking again about how he didn't want to be rude, then realized that it was actually the loud mouths who were being rude. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will continue to grow and that this will prove to be a good experience for him in terms of learning assertiveness and having stronger boundaries. I've reminded him that he doesn't have to be rude when keeping order, just assertive. It sounds like this: "_____, you've already shared. Let's give everyone a chance to speak before sharing again." If the offender takes it personally, that's on them. Part of being in meetings is learning to listen.

For myself, I'm doing a little learning of the opposite of this right now. Sometimes, the appropriate thing to do is to let go, let a comment go by and not respond to it at all. A fellow member of the program sent me an email recently that was rude. He asked me to take over one of his service commitments, and he prefaced his request by making a comment about how, since I was unemployed, I should have plenty of time to do it. To make matters worse, he started off the email by admitting that he knew what he was saying might be considered rude.

This is one of the most frustrating things for me to listen to--when someone starts off by saying they know they're going to say something rude and insensitive and then proceed to say it anyway. It's like announcing, "I know I'm being an asshole, but I'm going to be an asshole anyway." It's so the opposite of what the program teaches us. Part of learning to be more spiritual is practicing compassion. If someone doesn't realize they're being a dick, I can mostly let it go. When someone DOES realize they're being a dick and then goes ahead and does it anyway, that's pretty damn lame.

Anyway, I didn't respond to the email, didn't buy into it, didn't tell the guy off or anything. I was all set to, was ready to rip this person a new asshole and explain to him that this is why people don't like him--because he knows he's being a dick and then goes ahead and is a dick anyway. He actively chooses not to change the thing he can--himself. But I didn't. And I called my sponsor up to tell him so. My sponsor gave me mad props for it, let me know he was proud of me for not feeding in to the bullshit. He reminded me that someone who doesn't have very good Recovery isn't going to be helped much by my telling them they're being an asshole. With sponsees, we can say that to a certain extent because they have asked us for help in improving themselves. Random program members, people we meet in real life? The best thing we can do is let it go. Or maybe even say a prayer about that individual learning some compassion.

Conflict is a part of life. Knowing the appropriate response is a skill we develop, as is being able to follow through and take the appropriate action. Sometimes that means speaking up, sometimes it means letting go.