Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"Okay Being By Myself"

Insomnia kept me awake again last night. I didn't make it to school on time and was late enough that there didn't seem to be much point in going to my first class. So I've sat myself down on a slab of concrete underneath the many giant oak trees here on campus.

It's a nice day out here, blue skies and warm sun, but my legs are still hurting from when I pushed myself too hard running this weekend. I guess I'm feeling alright, overall, but I really would rather be at home. Ah well, at least I'm here. Better to be late and miss one class than to not go and miss three. Suddenly I'm remembering being in college the first time, all the times I had insomnia back then, all the classes I missed. More than one professor got the impression that I thought I was hot shit and didn't need to go to class. If only it were that simple.

I really hate the insomnia. I've had it for as long as I remember. No amount of psychotherapy was ever able to find a cause. Without a job & health insurance, medical assistance is out of the question. Besides, the only drug that ever really helped me get to sleep was weed, so there's that. Exercise helps some, eating better helps some, but even so. Anyway, I don't want this blog to be an insomnia rant. I actually have relationships on the mind today.

My sponsor and I talk about this issue a lot. It's one I have had major struggles with. Lately, I've been doing something different. I haven't fully sworn off dating, but I'm not putting myself out there. I'm not doing anything to try to meet women, not going out, not actively seeking. I've even given my online dating profiles a rest. I've been saying that I'm unofficially not dating, taking time to just be okay by myself. It's been about two months now.

Honestly, there is some bitterness there. It's not at the 'fuck it' level, but there's frustration. I don't know how much of it is about me, or the way I was trying to meet women, but I just wasn't meeting the kind of woman that I wanted. My last therapist told me to think about what I want, and that is important. Even more important has been letting go of what I don't want. 'Cause the truth is that I still meet women, just going about my life. Sometimes there's a connection there, but I haven't met anyone that I really wanted to pursue something with, so I haven't pursued anything. And hey, that's a good thing. My sponsor was pointing out to me over the weekend what progress that is. I'm not jumping into a relationship or jumping into bed with someone, then realizing afterwards I wasn't really interested in after all.

I know a lot of single people out there are bitter. Some people don't have any trouble meeting someone they can get along well with. Others of us have a harder time of it, but I think that the letting go is a big step towards finding a relationship that's healthy and satisfying; to get to the good, you have to let go of the bad. I mentioned that to a good friend of mine and she was seriously impressed. I kind of laughed a little when she said that, though, because it isn't some grand self-improvement thing for me. It's much more of an 'ack; no more; enough; my give up'.

A few years back, I made something of a promise to myself--that not being in a relationship is better than being in a bad one. For the most part, I'm pretty content being by myself these days. My sponsor is real quick to point out how different that is for me. Personally, I think he's astounded that I'm doing this well. That makes me smile. But it's the truth--I'm doing alright, feeling okay just being by myself. And I really don't want any more insanity in my life. My own is more than enough for me to handle. So I'm gonna do this for awhile, not worry about the relationship issue, not stress over it, and just be okay with me.

A number of friends have told me 'good for you', and that when you stop looking is when you find that special someone. Maybe that's true. We'll just have to see. In the meantime, I've got a class to go to. It's my Social Psych class. We're studying attraction.

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