From time to time, I am reminded, that is to say I become even more keenly aware of the fact, that I am not like other men. And not in an AA Big Book kind of way. In a way that I’ve never really understood or been able to articulate. In fact, if you want to know a secret, I sincerely hope that after my life is over, it will be revealed to me just what exactly the fuck the deal is. And before I go any further with this, I want to say that, yes, I am aware of how I am ‘different’ in terms of being an addict/alcoholic. This post isn’t about that.
Over the years, I’ve had a lot of theories. One is that it has something to do with being raised around only girls when I was a little kid, that there’s something about me that just doesn’t ‘feel’ right for a man who’s straight. Like, I missed out on some early male-emotional-dampening training or something. Or maybe I just missed basic training in how to form male relationships, so I lack some kind of learned instinct there when it comes to relating to other guys.
Maybe it’s an alpha-male thing. Like, I’m not a follower; I’m my own man, but to contemplate that brings up some interesting thoughts. Such as, I’m not a dick, what is up with these other guys who lash out, attack? They’re like puffed-up bullies on the schoolyard from when I was a kid. Men do it as adults, too. What’s up with that? I mean, what did I ever do to them? And hey, maybe that’s a part of the puzzle that’s missing--that guys are just guys and it’s something I don’t really understand. Maybe what they sense in me is the kind of vibe that when other guys give it off it’s because they’re the type of man who does attack? So they attack first as some kind of pre-emptive action? I don’t even know what I’m saying.
Ah see, here we go again. I’m trying to guess at other people’s motives, trying to read minds. That isn’t possible. I have a difficult enough time trying to understand myself; understanding other people is mostly beyond me. But even having written that, something doesn’t feel right. Because I do understand other people. Often. There’s just something here that I don’t get.
Stepping back a little, I think a thought that I’ve had many times: why are people assholes? Sounds silly, after all I’ve been one more than a few times in my life. But seriously, I think about this: why are people so horrible to each other? Why do people treat each other like shit? And what is it about me that this very, very common fact about life still surprises me? Where did I get the idea that it’s not supposed to be like this? Certainly not from the available evidence!
One of my best guesses, knowing what I do about how boys are raised vs girls, and about female vs male children subculture, is that I spent my formative years learning how to relate to other people in a cooperative way instead of a competitive way. In a workforce, I work well with women and not so much with men. I’m not a ‘good old boy’. I have always been excluded from that club, for a reason I have never quite understood. But it feels like something that’s tied in with all of this... stuff.
This is all way too much analysis. The short? I have had a lonely life, one where I’ve often felt that I don’t fit in. It’s one of the big reasons I started getting high--I had a built-in group of friends. And all the shit that was always bothering me went away, too. I didn’t have to worry about being weird, feeling insecure, being smart, or any of the rest of that stuff. Maybe people accepted me just because I was the idiot stoner, but at least they accepted me.
Which is not to say that no one accepts me now, just that... a lot of people talk about the deep, abiding acceptance and friendship they have found in the fellowship. That has not been my experience. I have met people, made friends through going to meetings, but a deep friendship that’s lasted? Not as yet. And hey, maybe that’s just the nature of life, that friends come and go. ‘The only constant is change’.
Or shit, maybe I’m just inherently a loner and I’m feeling depressed because I’m working again, doing this clerical bullshit that I hate when I’d rather just be a hippie peace-loving artist type. There’s always that possibility.
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