A lot of people in the program come from families where the disease runs rampant. Dad’s a drunk, mom takes pills, sister’s on crank, brother’s in jail, and every combination of the above and more. Some of us have family members who don’t drink or use, but we’d swear they’re still ‘one of us’ because of their behavior. Maybe they’re totally self-absorbed, or maybe they’re obsessive worriers. Or maybe they’re just straight-up insane.
Whatever the case, whatever our past history, we all reach a point where we have to reckon with our family. Whether we’ve been abused growing up or were simply not our parents’ favored child. We might reconcile with our blood relatives, our family of origin, or we might choose to leave them out of our lives completely. Sometimes we want nothing more than to do that last one and it simply isn’t possible. Sometimes we beat our heads up against a brick wall for years, focusing on their actions (or lack thereof) and wishing beyond all hope that they would just miraculously become different people.
That’s the trap, of course. Our family members who still suffer, who haven’t found Recovery and don’t want to do something different, there really isn’t much we can do for them. We can spend our energy being frustrated at them for not being who we wish they were. We can rail against the disease for keeping our blood from being who we think they might or could be. But in the end, the one thing we can’t do, the thing that is so hard to admit to ourselves, is change them.
All we can really do is detach ourselves, and do it with whatever love we can muster. Trying to help them? Disaster. Buying booze or drugs for them? Not helpful. Giving them money instead of letting them suffer the consequences of their own actions? Totally wrongheaded.
We want to help, of course we do, particularly if we ourselves have found Recovery. Maybe we want them to find what we have found. Maybe we just want them to stop being assholes and treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. For once in our lives! But we can’t help them, they can only help themselves. And here’s the real kicker: it ain’t up to us to help them; that’s not our place. In case you haven’t heard it in a meeting, let me tell you now: don’t take other people’s inventory. We’re only responsible for ourselves, no one else--and that includes family.
We have only one avenue open to us that works: acceptance. Our family is who they are. We can’t change them, no matter how much we might want to. With time and with Recovery, we can learn to accept them, but that’s a process that takes a long time. And a lot of patience.
Here’s the thing about acceptance, too: we don’t have to agree with What Is, we don’t have to like it, we just have to accept it.
I remember splitting up with my ex-wife. My family insisted that they weren’t taking sides, but all I could see was that they weren’t on mine. My sister would call her and not me, go out to dinner with her and her new boyfriend, but not visit me. My mom wouldn’t listen to two sentences of my side of the story without changing the subject. My dad couldn’t even look at me straight when I expressed my frustrations at feeling abandoned by the lot of them. If they’d at least looked me in the eye, told me, “we still like her; she’s still part of the family to us,” that would have at least been respectful, but they couldn’t even do that. It sucked. It still does. But it’s something I’ve learned to accept.
My family is who they are. And with some Recovery (and no small measure of therapy), I can understand a lot better now their position. It’s still not something I like, or that I agree with, but it’s something I’ve learned to accept and let go of. My family is who they are, and my job is to remember that, to stay in the Real, and not fall into the trap of wishing they were different. Because they’re not going to be. They’re going to keep on being who they are no matter what I do. So I need to do the only thing I can: accept, and let go.
That’s what we can do about our family members who have the disease: accept, and let go.
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