“Feeling Better”

(‘Thoughts On The Steps’ will return...)

I’ve got a line from an old song going through my head today. “Feelings... nothing more than feelings...” We read it in the literature, we hear it from our sponsors and from others in the rooms: they’re just feelings; they won’t kill you. I’m doing my best to remember this today.

I had a good conversation with my sponsor over the weekend. We talk about everything. He’s awesome about checking in with me on all aspects of my life, asking about the little things as well as how it’s all going on the whole. Something I struggle with a lot is the relationships issue. Heh. What addict/alcoholic doesn’t? Talking to my sponsor, I confessed that I’d been beating up on myself about it--again.

He had a lot of good things to say, not the least of which was to remind me that we strive for progress, not perfection. “What?” he said with his loving sarcasm, “you mean to tell me you’re still having trouble with this issue that you’ve struggled with your whole life?!” I laughed and felt a little better. Giving myself a break is still hard sometimes, especially when it comes to this. I still get wrapped up in the ‘shoulds’--I should feel this way, I shouldn’t feel that way.

We are emotional beings, us humans. I learned to stuff mine way down. Thanks to my Recovery, I’m learning to not bury them so much, how to be better in touch with what’s going on inside, and when it’s important to communicate what I’m going through to other people and how to do that effectively. I’m not perfect at it, by any means, but it is much better than it used to be.

On the way to a meeting last week, I had a friend with me. She mentioned that those of us with this disease tend to be very sensitive. I laughed and cracked a joke, “that’s what my ex-wife used to say!” Ah, humor. It’s funny ‘cause it’s true. I am aware that I can be super-sensitive, and that we addicts are like this. I wonder if it’s something about that heightened state, the damage the disease has done to our reptilian brain and the fight-or-flight reflex. Anyone who’s ever tried to talk to an active addict about their addiction knows they are sensitive on that subject especially. How many wild, overblown reactions am I guilty of? Fewer and fewer these days, thank God.

I was a sensitive, emotional child, prone to tears at the drop of a hat. One of the reasons I used was I needed the relief I got from being numb. But it wasn’t until I got sober and started working the program that I truly began to understand the ‘why’ behind all my intense emotional reactions. I had years worth of unresolved issues piled up like so much garbage in a house that hadn’t ever been cleaned.

Working the steps has done wonders for helping me to clean house and given me a way of living to help keep the garbage from piling up so high. A good therapist has helped me to better understand why things got so dirty, why some areas need more frequent cleaning and that, yes, the house is still going to get dirty and maybe just maybe some things will never be sparkling clean no matter how hard I scrub. I have wounds from my life that have healed, but scars remain. And it is Recovery, once again, that helps me to accept that those scars are there; some parts of the house will never be pristine, and that’s okay. So I do what I can, leave the rest to God, and try to accept What Is.

Bringing things back from the metaphor-land I’ve stumbled into...

That relationships are still such an issue frustrates me. So much else is working so well! It bugs me that I take longer than I think I should to get over someone, that I haven’t managed to attract the ‘perfect’ woman into my life, that I’m not living happily ever after. Ha! My disease is all over this. Perfectionism? Check. Wishing things were different instead of accepting life on life’s terms? Check. Should? Check.

Thank God for the program. Thank God I have a way to deal with this instead of spinning and obsessing and being miserable. Give myself a break--chill out, Zach. Relationships are hard for everyone, especially folks like us. Acceptance: how I feel is how I feel. They’re just feelings. No matter how intense, they won’t kill me. Gratitude: I’m sober today, miracle #1 of many.

So what if life isn’t perfect, it’s never going to be. Has there been progress? Yes--and lots of it. And as long as I stay sober, keep working the program of Recovery, there’s sure to be more.