“Step Nine: Justice”

(This blog is ninth in a multi-part series, “Thoughts On The Steps”. This series is not a guide on how to work steps; steps can only be worked under the guidance of a sponsor. The twelve-step program is a spiritual program; it teaches us how to live a spiritual life. Working each of the steps gives us the chance to practice a spiritual principle. Whatever your particular fellowship, the Steps are the same, as are the spiritual principles behind them. These are my thoughts on the steps and on those principles.)

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Justice is about wrongs made right. We've been wrong; we've caused harm. So we go to those people we listed on our eighth step and try to achieve some measure of Justice. We do what we can to right the wrongs. Wherever possible, we own our mistakes and admit the things we've done to those we did them to.

My sponsor likes to say that the words "I'm sorry" have no place in a ninth step amends. Making amends is an act of apology. If we weren't sorry for what we've done, we wouldn't be making the amends in the first place. Sometimes it's a journey to get to the head space where we are truly sorry for our actions. We need to practice compassion, put ourselves in the shoes of those we've harmed and see our actions through their eyes. After we've admitted our part, after we've owned up to what we've done, we offer to do whatever we can to make it right.

The reaction we get can be positive or negative; it doesn't matter. Whatever the response, we can accept it. Whatever it is that's asked of us to do, we can do it. When we're done, we get to let go and know--without a doubt--that we have done everything we could to right the wrongs, to achieve Justice. Our side of the street is now clean.

I've made my share of amends. Sometimes the reactions were very positive, sometimes not. On one occasion I was told that I was already forgiven a long time ago. On another, my amends was 'accepted' but the other person wasn't interested in my making anything right. He chose to hold on to his own grudge, and that's fine. I can rest easy, knowing I did what I could. I owned my part and I made the offer. We have no control over others, just ourselves.

Sometimes people have died and we don't have the opportunity to make amends. I have a friend in the program who shares about making amends at her stepfather's grave. Sometimes the person is still alive, but our amends can't be made directly. The step talks about this. We don't make amends if we would cause more harm. There are many ways to make amends. Emails or letters can be sent. Sometimes, a letter is written and not sent. Sometimes we do a living amends--instead of contacting someone or writing a letter, we make a permanent change in our behavior. One of my amends was to a married couple; I'd had an affair with the wife. It would have caused major harm to her and her marriage for me to approach her. I could have written a letter and not sent it, but sponsor suggested a living amends instead: no more getting involved with married women. This is an amends I'm proud to say I continue with to this day. It's been helpful to me, too, in terms less drama and chaos in my life.

Ultimately, this is why we make amends--to benefit our own Recovery. We don't make them to feel better about ourselves, or to purge ourselves of guilt. It's about Justice, writing wrongs, cleaning up our side of the street. The response we get can be freeing, but the act itself is freeing. If we're thorough, then we have truly made the change to becoming new people. We don't tell people we're sorry, we show it by admitting we were wrong.