“Step Five: Integrity”

(This blog is fifth in a multi-part series, “Thoughts On The Steps”. This series is not a guide on how to work steps; steps can only be worked under the guidance of a sponsor. The twelve-step program is a spiritual program; it teaches us how to live a spiritual life. Working each of the steps gives us the chance to practice a spiritual principle. Whatever your particular fellowship, the Steps are the same, as are the spiritual principles behind them. These are my thoughts on the steps and on those principles.)

Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Writing out all the information in a fourth step is hard enough. Owning up to it before God? Even harder. Admitting it to someone else? DAMN difficult.

I've read in some 12-step literature that some people take this step not with their sponsor, but with a trusted advisor, or even a complete stranger. I really don't recommend that last option. I tend to frown on reading it to a religious leader or other 'spiritual advisor', too. I believe the best thing to do is to read the fourth step to your sponsor. To me, that's a big part of what Step Five is about.

We carry all kinds of unresolved issues around with us. A lot of it we don't talk about because we don't know what others might think about us, or because we're afraid of what they will think. Some of it we're ashamed of. Some of it, we're ashamed that we haven't been able to let go of. Some of it we want to hold on tight to, like secrets we swore we'd take to the grave.

It's the deep, dark secrets of our lives that poison our souls. It's the myriad of unsolved puzzles, hidden hurts, and angry reactions that we can't seem to let go of that keep us from moving forward and prevent us from healing.

Something I like a lot about 12-step groups is that there is something ancient and timeless about a group of people sitting together, talking, sharing the wisdom of their lives. I think from time to time that it feels a little like sitting around a campfire. People share about their problems. Others listen and share about how they dealt with similar struggles. We find peace and comfort in learning we're not alone.

Doing the fifth step is a lot like that, but on a much deeper, more personal level. Certain things are not appropriate to share at the group level. But we do need to share them, we do need to let them out, bring those dark parts of our past out into the light. Only then will they lose the power they have over us.

I've heard it shared in meetings and said so myself, a lot of the power of the fifth step comes from being understood. The things I was most afraid to talk about, when I shared them with my sponsor, he just simply replied, "yep, me too. What's next?" Not rudely, not disdainfully, but with complete understanding. He'd been there; he'd done that. He'd felt how I did. The feeling I got from meetings of not being alone, I felt it many times more deeply.

So where does Integrity fit into all of this? When we do the fifth step (preferably with our sponsor) we are presenting the first truly, most fully honest picture of ourselves as we really are.

Often times, in working the fourth step, we see the patterns of our lives and where our actions, inactions, and choices led us. Doing the fifth step is about much more than reading our lists to our sponsor. Our sponsor can help us see other patterns, give us an impartial, understanding perspective on what we’ve written down. They're like a pair of glasses that help us to see things more clearly, help us to focus on the things we don't want to look at. And it helps them to know us, know our struggles, which puts them in a better position to help us as we continue moving forward with the rest of the steps, trying to change our lives and live differently.

It's important to do the fifth step with a sponsor. It's important, too, to go back and look at it ourselves, read it to ourselves again and not shy away from the truths we've revealed about who we've been. It's really important to acknowledge this new knowledge before God. That's three instances of very specifically practicing Integrity. And with that practice, we've begun acquiring a new skill--one of being who we choose to be instead of what the disease makes us.

An addict is what I am. It is not who I am. We can choose. With Recovery, we are given the option to live our lives differently, be people of Integrity, if we want to.