“Loneliness”

(‘Thoughts On The Steps’ will return after this brief word from our author...)

It’s Superbowl Sunday and I must confess I’m not much of a football fan. If I’m in a bad mood, I’ll go on and on about how professional sports are nothing more than avenues for advertising beer and that football in particular is the worst offender because of its inherent violence. But like I said, that’s just when I’m in a bad mood and today is not one of those days. I’m actually feeling very good, even a little amused.

I’m not watching the game, but I did find a desire in myself to get out and have a walk. Strolling through my neighborhood, here, I could hear cheers floating out the doors and windows of the houses. When I reached a commercial street, I found it mostly deserted, with the occasional group of people clustered around a bar that happened to have the game on. Eventually, I found my way to one of my local coffee shop haunts. I ordered some tea, had a seat out front, and felt at peace.

My addict brain doesn’t rest peacefully for long. This is not to say I’m spinning or obsessing—far from it. I just find myself, more often than not... thinking. The absence of people on the sidewalks, not being a part of ‘the big game’, a comment yesterday from a sponsee about not fitting in, lingering disappointment about a relationship that wasn’t possible; all of these things sort of swirled around my mind until I found myself focusing on a word: loneliness.

It’s not what I’m feeling right now. At least, I’m not feeling it nearly as strong as I have at so many other times in my life. There’s just a touch of it, like a pinch of spice, a small flavoring to my peaceful mood. And I felt the desire to whip out my phone and blog a little honesty: it’s been a lonely life.

This is not a complaint, just a confession. I’ve had friends, even close friends. They come and go. I have the people in my meetings and my sponsees. I’ve had lovers, girlfriends, wives. I’m more at peace today than I ever have been with myself, my life, and the world around me.

But I’ve gotta tell you, in all honesty, it’s been a lonely life.

There’s no judgment here. I’m grateful to be in a headspace these days where I can be alone and not feel the overwhelming sense of loneliness. I’d even go so far as to say that I’ve accepted the loneliness I do feel as part of my life, a feeling like any other. Some people lead lonely lives, others don’t. It’s a category. Check this box, right here next to hair color and height.

I used to obsess a lot over how different I am from other people. I tried for a while to convince myself that, no, I’m not, and in a certain way that’s true. There are things about me that I can look at as equalizers: that I am human, that I suffer from the disease, that my inner desire responds when I see an attractive woman. But I am conscious, too, of my own uniqueness. That I can hold all of this in my mind now and be okay with it is a reassuring sign of my ever growing self-acceptance.

Still... just for the record, I really want to let this out: it’s been a lonely life.

No particular reason. No cry for help, no pleas for support. I’m actually doing very well, thank you. But this is my blog, my space to write about my thoughts and my feelings. As we say in meetings, “it’s my five minutes.” So whether you follow this blog or stumbled on this entry, I just want to level with you, toss as much bullshit out the door as I can, and let you know the truth about this little piece of me.

And you know what else? It’s alright. I’m okay. I just wanted to share.