“Dealing With Fear”

It’s hot here right now. Really hot. We’re on day two of what is supposed to be a four day stretch of 100+ degree days. I’d planned to wake up early this morning to go on my run, but got hit with a bout of insomnia last night. By the time I was up today, it was too hot to run (at least, too hot for me). So I walked four miles instead.

Back at my apartment afterward, I stepped into the shower and found myself being irritated with my brain. It’s been on the busy side lately; lots of imaginary conversations, worrying, fears coming up, that sort of thing. I’ve noticed it in both my prayer and my meditation time. I’m hoping that it’s just stress from being back at work.

Actually, now that I think about it, it’s not really from being back at work, it’s just fear related to that. Here’s a great example: one of the things I’ve been worrying about is that I’m supposed to be at work today even though it’s a holiday. I know I’m not. I have paperwork showing that 4th of July is one my paid holidays. I know full well that no one else is going to be there, so even if I went, there wouldn’t be anyone there to let me in! And yet, even with all this knowledge, the fear is still there.

I was talking with a friend just yesterday about how irrational emotions can be--especially fear. A comment I made is something I heard the late great comedian Bill Hicks say often, that there is nothing to fear ever. That’s not something I can quite get my head around, but as a spiritual puzzle, it’s powerful to ponder.

So as I was soaping up my bald head in the shower today, I reminded myself that I had just yesterday passed on this little piece of spiritual truth and wouldn’t it be a great idea to take my own advice? And just like that, my whole mindset turned. With the fear dispelled, the force of my Recovery kicked ass and took names.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of. Today IS a holiday, so enjoy your holiday, Zach! Go have a coffee and write a blog. Come home afterwards and work on some music. Oh and by the way good job working up a sweat with that four mile walk this morning. And didn’t you work out with your weights for an hour yesterday? Hell yeah, dude!”

It’s okay to relax and enjoy ourselves. I forget to do that all too often. And fear... fear is one of the biggest paralyzers. It causes us to react without thinking, keeps us from taking considered action. Even worse, it holds us prisoner in the future, in the past, in the domain of ‘what if’. Recovery is about the real, about ‘what is’, about living in the now.

I’ve heard people in meetings share about how they live their lives now without any fear. That’s great for them. For myself, I still feel fear from time to time. It’s much, much less than what I used to deal with, and I have the program to thank for helping me to sort through all that. I have the program to thank, too, for helping me learn how to deal with fears so that when they do show up these days, I can overcome them.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my music awaits :-)