“Judging Other Addicts”

I was having fellowship after a meeting recently and we got to talking about the different vibes each of the fellowships have. How AA has a different feel from NA, talk like that. And it’s true, different meetings have different atmospheres. And there are plenty of judgmental folks in Recovery, people who think they’re somehow better (or worse) than others because they used such hard drugs, or drank so much more than others did.

For me, I try to remember that comparing myself to others, thinking of myself as better-than or less-than, isn’t Recovery-oriented thinking. I don’t care if someone was slammin’ dope and homeless or if they have a big house, beautiful wife, and five children. It’s not up to me to decide how ‘bad’ someone’s disease is, or to put a label on how much suffering they’ve been through. We all experience pain differently and I’m not about to discount someone’s own personal hell just because it was different from my own. Recovery is supposed to be about healing, lifting each other up, not tearing each other down.

During the conversation, I commented that a good speaker won’t talk about what they used, because ultimately that doesn’t really matter. Talking about what we were hooked on is carrying the mess, not the message. Focusing on what we used is focusing on the problem, not the solution.

This is a subject I feel very strongly about and I can get downright preachy sometimes. I have to be careful not to branch off into judgmental territory myself. It’s too easy for me to point out others’ flaws, how lost they are, moving from one program to another as they treat one addiction after another.

Don’t treat your addiction; treat the disease that causes it.

The disease is about so much more than our substance abuse. It’s in the way we think, the way we speak, how we act towards others and how we approach reality itself. We aren’t honest with other people or with ourselves. We’re pessimistic and lack trust. We’re quick to point out other people’s faults while refusing to take responsibility for our own. We’re flakes who let people down. We’re deeply insecure, raging egomaniacs. We hurt people, with our words and through our actions. We say we’re sorry over and over again but never actually change. We refuse to admit when we’re wrong. We take everything way too personally. We think we’re responsible for how other people feel and how they live. We make ourselves crazy trying to change other people and manage their lives, because we don’t know how to manage our own. We desperately try to control everything outside ourselves, all the while ignoring the glaring need for healing within.

This is the disease. This is what it looks like, untreated, without Recovery. Anyone who has lived with a dry drunk or an addict who has tried quitting on their own knows these behaviors. They are the ways we do life that don’t work. They are the behaviors that cause our problems. They are the reason why our lives don’t magically improve when we stop using and drinking.

This is why I believe it doesn’t matter what someone was hooked on. I’ve known people who whored themselves out just for a ten-sack of weed. I’ve known seemingly fully functioning members of society who were secretly crystal meth addicts.

Some people don’t think addiction isn’t a disease; cancer is a disease. Well guess what--addiction kills, too. And besides, how often do you hear a brain cancer survivor say to someone, “Oh…. You just had skin cancer? What a pussy.”

Being judgmental towards other addicts doesn’t help us recover; it keeps us in the disease, and it keeps us focused on the problem. I prefer to stay focused on the solution.