“Keeping A Level Head”

This is one of those “what it’s like now” stories.

I’m driving my old truck right now, the one I drove for a short time before I started commuting to Berkeley back in 2005. My parents held onto it when I got a new cat because hey, it’s good to have a truck in the family. It doesn’t have any air conditioning and the stereo is... well, actually it’s exactly half a stereo is what it is. A number of years back, someone tried to rip the CD player out of the dash, unaware that I’d bolted it down when I put it in. Consequently, the thief succeeded only in ripping off the faceplate and the front circuitry connected to it. There’s a CD still in there from all those years ago. I can see it, lodged in the player, locked inside, unable to be ejected or forced out. Sometimes I wonder what’s on there.

The point of all this, though, isn’t a trip down memory lane or a gleeful telling of how I foiled a car stereo thief. No, the point of all this is gratitude.

I was headed home from work yesterday when I realized my tires needed air--again. This is the second time I’ve had to refill them in the space of a month. Doing so, I noticed an exposed belt on one tire, and another wouldn’t even take air. The remaining two were much balder than I realized, too. So in the 100+ degree heat, I popped on the donut spare, filled THAT up with air, and got on my way. I turned the hazard lights on, kept my speed down, and prayed the whole way home that I wouldn’t have a blowout on the causeway.

I hadn’t counted on spending my first paycheck buying new tires, but it looks like that’s what I’ll be doing. And it doesn’t even come for another three weeks. So like I wrote earlier, this is about having gratitude--gratitude that my folks still had the old truck for me to borrow.

My car is still pretty new to me. I haven’t had it a year yet, and this isn’t the first thing to go wrong with it. It’s needed a new clutch, and the gas mileage is significantly worse than what I was getting in my previous car. Or maybe it just seems so significant because gas prices are about a dollar a gallon higher than they were at this time last year. But I can’t complain too loudly; the car was a gift, after all. And I suppose another benefit of having a job now is that I can start saving for a different car if I so choose.

Changing the tire in the heat wasn’t fun. Neither was having the clutch go out on me while I was on the freeway that time. But both of these problems were times that really highlighted something that being in Recovery has done for me. I didn’t have any tantrums, no nonsensical rants. I took quick action to deal with both situations, and I didn’t experience any disproportionate emotions. Sure, there was some anger, some frustration, emotions you would expect. But no outbursts, no wild fits of anger. There are those who knew me when I was using who would tell you that that, all by itself, is a miracle.

Sometimes the miracle of Recovery is feeling so serene we feel totally at peace, at one with all of creation. Sometimes, the miracle is nothing more than keeping a level head through difficult times.