“Going Gray”

I seem to be going gray. No, I’m not talking about the hair on my head, or in my beard, or any other place of furry covering on my body. I'm actually not talking about hair at all, just working on a metaphor here.

Earlier this evening, I’d gotten to a meeting early and, after talking to some folks and taking a seat, I found myself thinking about what’s going on in my life. Skipping the long, drawn-out details, my thoughts settled on two things: 1) that I’m not always right; and 2) that I’m not always wrong. In fact, it might be better to phrase it by saying that never am I always right, and never am I always wrong, though I do my best to steer clear of the ‘N’ word.

Something that’s been really good for me in Recovery is that I keep on learning about myself and getting to know myself better. What I learned today is that either end of the right/wrong spectrum can be a bad place for me. This isn’t exactly new knowledge, but it became clearer to me today.

If I’m thinking I’m always right, then my ego is in charge; self-will is running things. I start to think that I know everything. I start to let my thinking and my will run my life. This is, of course, a disaster in the making.

If I’m thinking I’m never right, then my ego is still in charge, simply in the opposite way. I feel like shit, like I’m worthless, that no one could ever love such a lowly example of a human being. But, it’s still my ego, still me being self-centered, which means that it’s still self-will running my life. The same disaster looms.

The literature talks about how we are aren’t all bad, or all good. We aren’t the greatest on earth, and we aren’t the worst. It’s about balance, about remembering that I am just another human being dealing with this disease, learning as I go, and doing the best I can. Still not perfect, over here.

Thank God.

If I’m all one thing, whether it’s all good or all bad, that is black and white thinking. If I focus on being all good versus being all bad, being always right or always wrong, I’m not looking at my life realistically. It’s a form of denial: a failure to accept reality for what it is. If I look at myself in black and white, if I see myself in terms of absolutes, then I’m not living life on life’s terms. My job is to accept what is. I don’t have to fall into this track of all-good or all-bad anymore. I don’t have to let my ego run the show anymore. The reality is that I am not black or white, but a shade of gray.

My disease wants me to look at myself, look at life, in absolutes. If I do that, the my ego gets to run the show. Self-will gets to run my life and my disease gets fed instead of my spirit. When I accept life, my life, for what it really is--that I’m simply human, not perfect, neither all bad nor all good--then I’m living a spiritually fit existence. I am aligned with God’s power. My disease isn’t being fed, my spirit is.

There are some nice side benefits, too. I don’t have to kick myself for being the most horrible human being on earth, because I’m not. I don’t have to think of myself as less-than because I’m not perfect. In fact, I can be proud of and happy for myself for the exact same reason--that I’m not perfect--because now I get to accept and embrace myself for who I am as I am. It’s a blessed change, one that I owe to being in the program.

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