I have to say, it’s a good thing other addicts & alcoholics have as much trouble with relationships as I do. If I was the only one who had these problems, there’s no way I’d be able to handle it. I can still get lost in my crazy brain and lose track of what’s real. I can still fall victim to thinking I handle things worse than I actually do.
Say, for example, I meet a new woman. We have a short date, nothing fancy, and it goes well. It’s a forgone conclusion that I will be spending the next who knows how long constantly thinking about it, analyzing it, going over every little detail. Did I say the right thing? How did I come across? Was I too forward? Did I represent myself honestly? And don’t even get me started on the ‘why hasn’t she called???’ I’ve no doubt that there are people out there who can meet someone new and continue going on about their business as if nothing were different. Bastards.
The diseased part of my brain loves it when things go well for me. It takes it as the perfect opportunity to spin the wheels. I hear people talk about it like a hamster spinning the wheels in its cage. The more I want something to go well, the faster the hamster spins the wheel, until it becomes more like a racing cheetah than a little rodent.
The tools I have do work, though. I can work steps. I can call my sponsor, I can go to meetings and work with others. These are all actions which have proven themselves time and again to be great ways of getting out of my self. Talking with others helps me, too. Sometimes it takes talking it out with another person to see that the stuff going on inside my head is only going on inside my head. When I step outside myself and look at my actions (instead of listening to Uncle Steve's drunk chattering), I can see the progress I have made.
A lot of my friends in Recovery agree that romantic relationships are like the last frontier for folks like us. How many times have we hopped into bed with someone, then tried to build a relationship out of that? I’m guilty of it over here. The idea of getting to know someone first, taking things slow, is very different. Like having just one or two drinks, there are normies out there for whom that makes sense. Getting to know someone slowly, gradually, for some people it’s like ‘well, duh!’ For some of us, it’s not so obvious. And it’s not so easy.
For me, it all comes back to being sober. It’s because I’m sober now that I have the chance to get to know someone first before rushing into things. I have the opportunity to avoid being in bad relationships. If I was still getting loaded, that wouldn’t be possible. It doesn’t mean that every woman I’m attracted to is going to be interested in me. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to find the perfect partner. It does mean that I have a chance now, when I didn’t before.
I can accept now, too, that it is possible for me to put my best self forward, make no mistakes, and still not get the result I want. That is part of life. It doesn’t mean I'm a failure. It means I'm living life on life's terms.
No comments:
Post a Comment