I’m working Step Nine right now. This step came up in a recent book study meeting and I shared about how I seem to have more people on my amends list this time around than before. When we get into recovery, we don’t automatically become perfect. We still create wreckage. Our lives change, yes, but not instantly. I’m no exception. I’m still not perfect over here.
My sponsor likes to say that the making of amends is an act of apology. When you go to those you have harmed, you admit what you have done and ask what you can do now to make things right. There isn’t time to say, “I’m sorry”. The idea, here, is kind of like ‘of course you’re sorry; that’s why you’re making amends’. Instead of saying it, instead of offering up mere words, you take action. You show that you’re sorry through the act of making amends.
How many of us have apologized over and over, said the ‘sorry’ word until it became meaningless? “I thought you had quit?!” our loved ones accused. “I’m sorry, I will, I promise!” we insisted again and again. And that’s just one small example.
A lot of men (okay, women too) have a hang-up about the ‘sorry’ word. Saying we’re sorry means admitting we were wrong, something we flat-out refuse to do. This is partially a cultural thing, but it’s especially true of those of us who are in active addiction. Even after we get clean and sober, it can still be very difficult. By working the eighth and ninth steps, we get the chance to practice the principles of Love and of Justice. We learn how to admit we were wrong. The experience can be so hard, but anyone who has been through it will tell you the rewards are worth it. It’s not a coincidence that the promises in the AA big book come after Step Nine.
I have an interesting history with the ‘sorry’ word. I wasn’t raised to never say I was sorry. I was actually raised with the exact opposite idea. Growing up, something I heard a lot was that ‘it never hurts to apologize--even when you’re right.’ That may be a good idea in theory, but the addict in me took it to the furthest extreme. Early on, I learned to always apologize for everything. I might as well have hung a ‘sorry I was born’ sign on my chest and walked through life like that.
This was the mindset that I developed. With a total lack of self-confidence, I felt I had to apologize for my very existence. If someone said something that was hurtful to me, or treated me poorly, I apologized to them. It’s pretty hard to develop a healthy self-esteem when you’re always saying you’re sorry to people who have hurt you. Eventually, as I got older and my issues with insecurity ate away at my insides, this habit morphed into a true perversion: I only apologized when I was right, and never ever--ever--when I was actually wrong. Insane.
These days, I’ve a much more balanced approach to the ‘sorry’ word. It can still be hard for me to admit when I’m wrong, and I still sometimes apologize when I don’t need to (especially when insecurity rears its ugly head), but it is so much better than it used to be. Thank God for that progress.
I like the Ninth Step. I like all the steps, really, but this one . . . it’s almost like I get to sidestep the whole saying I’m sorry issue. Making amends is an esteem-building process. I honestly admit to myself what I have done wrong. I honestly admit to the person who I’ve wronged what it is that I did. I offer to do what I can to make things right. Whether they accept my amends or not isn’t the point. If they do, I can make restitution. If they don’t, I can know that I have done all that I could and give it up to God. Either way, by making amends, I get to let go.
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