(This blog is third in a three-part series, "Searching For Hope")Today and yesterday, I’ve been doing something different. I’ve started the days with some God time. It’s probably the first time in sobriety that I have done so. The Big Book of AA is very clear about starting the day with prayer and meditation, but for some reason this practice hasn't been a part of my program. Going to bed at night, having a chat with my higher power and reviewing the day? That is something I almost always do. When I wake up? Almost never.
Yesterday, my mind was off and running from nearly the moment I woke up. It was swirling with chores and errands to do, colored by irritation at myself with allowing so many things to pile up. I sat outside, having my morning cigarette, and asked for help. Guide me, God. Guide my thoughts. Guide my actions. It’s all unmanageable over here. Amazingly enough, I heard that inner voice: ‘Take care of yourself; do what you need to do, then go be of service.’ Wouldn’t you know it, I felt better? I had a plan, and it wasn’t mine!
It was a pretty powerful thing to receive direction like that from my higher power. There was a peace and a confidence. Yes, there was lots to do, but I knew I’d get through it. I’d do what I could. I ended up making a to-do list with over a dozen items, and managed to do almost every last one of them. When it was done, I contacted some other people in the program to see how they were doing. At the end of the day, I found myself feeling very happy. It had been a good day, and I’d felt myself be carried through it. There was even a moment when I started to get frustrated, but then I heard the inner voice in me again, urging me to press on. With it came the strength to do so.
Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
When I talked to my sponsor yesterday, I mentioned all of this to him. Then I asked him what he thought about Hope. We talked about it for a while, actually. He thinks the thing I’ve been missing when it comes to Hope is optimism.
Sometimes I might seem like an optimist, especially when lil’ Joshua pops up. He is definitely one happy-go-lucky kid. It’s one of the ways he covers up how insecure he really feels. But what I’m trying to say is that, while I don’t think of myself as a pessimist, I’m really not an optimist either. There have been too many disappointments. Too many times where my thoughts have been for what I want and I ended up with the disaster that comes from living a self-centered life.
My sponsor says a wish is for something that isn’t possible; Hope is for something that is. But we have to see that something is possible in order to hope for it. We have to believe, have faith. If we just wish for good things to happen, they probably won’t. If we’re just wishing, then we’re still thinking inside that good things aren’t possible. We aren’t being open to them.
If we believe, truly believe, that something is possible, then we have Hope. That’s the optimistic part of it. We are believing, having faith, in what is possible instead of staying stuck in what isn’t. If we have Hope, we are being open-minded.
Letting my higher power take care of me these past two days has given me a new kind of hope. I can see better now that when I turn my life over, when I allow myself to be guided, I am cared for. I asked a question, and the answer was as it has been so many times: trust in God.
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