"Not Everyone's A Dreamer"

I always love it when the 'Just For Today' applies so directly to my life. This morning's email talked about fulfilling our dreams, and my mind has lately been on that very subject. When I was laid off from work back in April, I took it as an opportunity to do what I truly love doing--work on my music and my writing. Here I am three months later, blogging every day and with an entire new CD written.

This blog is something I enjoy doing a lot. It's a place for me to write about what I'm going through, and writing is a big part of my program. I keep a journal as well. The amazing thing about doing this blog, though, is the comments I've received from others about how helpful it has been to them. I've even gotten a number of messages from people who don't suffer from the disease and yet find wisdom in and guidance from this spiritual way of life. I count my writing as part of my 12th step work and am glad to be out here on the web helping others by sharing my life.

It's a little different with my music. Sometimes I'm able to use that talent to help others. My last CD was spoken word over beats I'd made, and each song was inspired by the spiritual principles behind each of the steps. The current project is instrumentals, but the song names are Recovery-themed. The album has a broad appeal and I'm hopeful that it's something that will find its way to a larger audience. Even though neither of these projects mention the program specifically or reference anything that would give them away as 12-step inspired, people who are in Recovery will recognize them as such. It's an old technique called hiding something in plain sight.

Music has almost always been a part of my life. There was a period when I gave up on it, didn't play, didn't compose, and that's when I started writing, but other than that, it's always been there. From the time I started piano lessons as a kid, to my college degree in music composition, to today where I create and record in my home studio. It's been a friend that kept me company when I was lonely, didn't judge me when others were cruel, and help me to say the things I was feeling inside that I didn't have the words for. And, after 25 years, it's something I've become pretty damn good at.

I've thought off and on for most of my life about earning my living through my music. As a kid, my dreams were grandiose. As I got older, my insecurity took over and thoughts of not being good enough held me back. Added to that were my fears that I might not love my music nearly as much if I was dependent on it as a source of income. It would become like work instead of being for just my enjoyment. When I told a friend about these fears, she wisely replied, "then your work will be something you love."

The 'Just For Today' talked about how our dreams become possible through working the program. It is so very true that there is no way I could have pursued music professionally when I was loaded all the time. I was too lazy. My head was stuck in a fog. I was way too insecure to not take rejection personally. But now, I have a realistic view of things. I can listen to what I have made and know how good it is in comparison to what else is out there. I have wisdom from my experience working in the industry. And I know that it takes a lot of luck, and that I have to do my part to put myself in a position to be lucky. After nearly two years in Recovery, I'm daring to dream that God might have given me these talents for more reason than just to keep myself company on the piano late at night. I'm feeling the need to pursue this, not for financial gain, but because of something deep inside me; because it's who I really am.

Not everyone has dreams. For those of us that do, Recovery makes those dreams possible. It doesn't mean they'll come true. We get to do our part and leave the rest up to God. What once was impossible can become reality. And if our dreams don't come to pass, we can know that we did our best, that we did all we could. It we don't succeed, we can know that at least we tried, and that that was not a priviledge we had when in the grips of active addiction.

Dream your dreams. Stay sober. Do your part. See what happens.