"Day Six"

It's day six off the cigarettes. But more than that, it's a Monday back at work. Yes, I know, I need to be grateful. I am, actually, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. It's the acceptance thing--I am working now; that's a good thing. A lot of people are unemployed right now, it's true. Something else that's true? A lot of people who are employed hate their jobs. Especially on Mondays. It doesn't mean they don't appreciate the fact that they're working. In fact, when I think of the whole 'be grateful' thing, sometimes I picture a janitor mopping shit up off the bathroom floor. I'm willing to bet he still hates his job, even if he's glad to have the income.

I'm not really all that cranky from the quitting smoking. I know it's a factor, but mostly it's being at the job. This past weekend, I spent some time working on music with a good friend of mine & playing a gig out of town. I really enjoyed myself. The contrast to being here, sitting in a cubicle, surrounded by the bitterness and futility that radiates from my coworkers, well as the old saying goes it could drive a man to drink. Not this man, though. At least, not today.

Thoughts of lighting up a cigarette do keep running through my mind, though. Fortunately, I am able to look at them and see them for what they are: a desire to escape. It's one of my use patterns, and I treat it the same as I would other cravings: I don't have to pick up; this too shall pass; if I pick up, I will die. To a non-addict or even some folks who are and are in Recovery, that might sound extreme. But I really want to stay quit this time. And picking back up doesn't do anything to solve my unhappiness. The only 'cure' here is time.

In time, I won't crave the cigs as bad. In time (a few hours), I won't be at work anymore. In time, I will have a different job. The program teaches us to stay in the moment, though, and not to future-trip. What's my moment like? It's kind of like this:

Well... here I am. I don't really want to be here, but here is where I am. I don't have to be here, but I chose to be here. Because I like paying my bills. I like paying my rent. I really don't want to live in my car. I really don't want to die of lung cancer, either. So I work. So I keep on not smoking. This moment won't last forever; it will pass. Then another moment will come, and it too will pass.

It's been a few days since I blogged and I confess, I'd felt a little out of sorts. I try to write something uplifting and positive each time, try to give some hope to others even if I'm feeling low. I don't seem to have that today, just a lot of 'blah'. Well guess what, life is full of 'blah' moments. Sometimes I think people like us have the hardest time with 'blah'. For myself, even now with having been sober a while, I'm still not quite sure what to do with 'blah'. Maybe a Zen master can find deep meaning in it, but I ain't no Zen master :) just another addict/alcoholic trying to get through life in all it's phases while staying sober.