"1-5-9"

Honesty. Integrity. Justice. These are the words swimming around for me today. Not so much in a clear-cut way, but more of a this is what's going on right now kind of way.

I continue on with my amends and am starting to feel some real healing from doing them. Some relationships that I'd thought damaged beyond repair are on the mend. Some people have taken responsibility for their part in what happened between us and even apologized for it. I've received some gifts of kindness, supportive comments that have meant the world to me.

At the same time, I'm back at work at my old job temporarily and that has been a challenge. But it's been a different sort of challenge than before. This was the job I was working when I got sober. It was a job I took just to have a job. Even before I was laid off, I realized how much this job was not me. Being back after having the time to do the things I truly love has been an education. It's helped me to see how, in my active addiction, that I chose not to be myself. It's an honesty thing; an integrity thing. Okay fine, I'll call a spade a spade: being here feels like lying. Word on the wires is that I won't be here long, and that's okay.

Instead of being pissed off at the situation, I feel my energy naturally flowing towards the desire to do what I really love. If (when) I'm back to being unemployed, I can put a renewed focus into my music. I have no idea where it will go from there, but having had a taste of how it feels to put my God-given talents first in my life, I find myself truly wanting to do what I can to follow that path. The change in me was becomming evident. Living as I was truly meant to live, being who I believe God created me to be, I had started to taste real joy. And others around me noticed. Being back at work, I can see the difference now, too. It's as clear as night and day. I'll keep working here as long as they'll have me, but when the time comes and I find myself once again without a job, I know the next right step to take.

Light is being shed on issues in my personal life, too. I'm beginning to see more of what I do want from a partner instead of just what I don't want. That's a huge gift. I'm learning more about what I actually need, instead of what I don't. I've made, oh, let's say poor choices in women in the past. I'm beginning to truly accept that I don't have to do that anymore. I'm learning that I really am worth having someone good for me in my life. I hope to keep learning more.

But it's the work thing that's really so huge. I can see with almost crystal clarity how unmanageable this is. All the imaginary conversations. All the coffee I find myself drinking, all the cigarettes I find myself smoking. It's blantantly obvious to me that it's all just an attempt to cope. On one level, they are distractions from how I feel, but the recovering addict in me wants to call them something else: crutches used for avoidance. Denial patterns.

I don't know if it's God's plan for me to make music my life. I don't know if it's in the cards for me to be successul enough with my talents that I can just make music and write, but I feel a desire deep inside to make the effort. And I know that I have to do my part in order for it to happen.

My morning prayer and meditation time has been really helpful, too. I feel more focused during the day, more comfortable in my own skin, and more in the world. I'm doing better at seeking God, and finding more willingness to let myself be guided. There are moments now where I'm starting to truly feel free. It's becomming easier to let go, to relax, and to let God handle all the shit I can't. I'm getting better at doing my part and letting God take care of the rest.

I'm imagining that what I've written here might make me seem a little scattered to some. But inside myself I don't feel scattered. It's more like the program is working for me in multiple ways, on multiple levels. It's started firing on more than just one cylinder. Today, it's 1, 5, and 9. I can only imagine what it would be like if it were firing on all 12.