"Good Man"

An important part of my program is that I journal. I write down my step work, my fears, the events that occur as I go about my life, and the thoughts and feelings that come to my mind. It's something I suggest to my sponsees, if for no other reason than to provide themselves with a written record of their Recovery journey. I'm going to share a brief bit from my entry for today.

"I want to take a moment here and give myself a break: I've spent most of my life cancelling myself out. I learned (somehow) that feeling good about myself is bad. I am working on changing these things. I am making progress. I am still on the path."

I chaired a meeting once and was told by someone afterward how much he appreciated my story, that he could tell my Recovery journey was one towards self-acceptance. I've started going to therapy again because I felt there was an immovable rock in the soil of my soul--and that rock has been revealed to me as the same-old self-esteem issue I have done so much work on. I went back to therapy looking for someone to help me figure out what this boulder was that keeps on impeding my personal growth, and for help in getting it the fuck out of there. It may be more of a break it down into smaller chunks and haul it away kind of job. And that's okay. I'm glad to be working on it, regardless of how the job ultimately gets done.

One thing I tend to do is cancel myself out. Or, in slightly harsher language, make lies of ommission about myself. I have a lot of good qualities that I don't let out, don't talk about, that I forget about. I have a number of friends, and I'm thinking of one in particular, who tell me that I'm a good man. It's true. I feel uncomfortable thinking about it or talking about it, though. That's the work I'm doing right now, continuing to become more right-sized. Honesty with ourselves has to come first before we can be honest with others. If I am attempting to lead the spiritual life, be who I really am as God has made me, then that means fully accepting who I am and not being ashamed of it--even if it means I'm a good man and deserve all the best.

This blog is part catharsis, of course. I talk about my life, hoping in part that others will read it and will benefit from my words, yes, but this blog also is a way of working my own shit out. It feels very strange to me to write about myself as someone with good qualities, but I don't doubt that my friends would think to themselves, "well, Zach, you do have a lot of good qualities; why shouldn't you embrace them and be proud of them?"

Many of us--probably most--that walk into the rooms of Recovery struggle with self-esteem issues. For myself, this struggle began long before I ever first picked up, and was compounded by my behavior in active addiction. The program has given me a way to clear away the damage I've done and deal with the wrongs I've committed. It's given me the chance, too, to work on this issue of self-esteem. With a clear head, through working the program, I've had some successes now upon which to build that which has eluded me for so long. I've stayed clean and sober for over two years. I'm one of the leaders in my Recovery community. I'm liked, respected, and admired by people I care about. It's not the be all, end all, but the beginning. It's a foundation on which I can build.

And I'm building.