"Simple Answers"

Some people think there aren't any simple answers. I disagree. Some questions have very simple answers. Why can't I stop using/drinking? Because you're an addict/alcoholic. Why doesn't anyone like me? Because you don't like yourself. Why do I keep on ending up in abusive relationships? Because it's what you're used to.

Yes, I just said a mouthful.

Just because an answer is simple, doesn't mean it's easy. Truth can be a very hard thing to swallow--especially for those of us with the disease. Denial is like our favorite jacket. Pointing a finger at everything else, refusing to admit our part, these are habits so second-nature to us they're almost as easy as breathing. Maybe even easier.

Some people think they had a choice to use and/or drink, that they're the ones who choose to pick up and put in. One of my most fundamental understandings about the disease is that that is not so. It's when you can't quit, when you can't not get loaded (under your own power), that's what it means to be addicted. This isn't an easy truth to face. It means having to make radical, drastic changes in one's life. It's a problem that we need help to deal with. It's what it means to be addiced: we can't stop on our own. Yes, we're responsible for our actions, and that responsibility can mean we get the help we need, or we continue to use until we die.

Some of us spend all our time wallowing in sorrow because we don't have any friends and because we're convinced no one would want to be friends with us--especially if they knew us. God knows I've done some things in my past that I am not proud of. Followers of this blog know I struggle with self-esteem issues (what addict doesn't?) It's something I work with my sponsees on, too. The key there is, once again, what is our part? If we don't like ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to like us? If we spend our energy throwing out hate and negativity, why would anyone want to be around us? We can end up pushing away the very people we want to have around.It's when we take the time to do the work of self-acceptance, that we find people in our lives who accept us as well.

Unhealthy romantic relationships are another prime example. If we grew up in a home where there was abuse, we're much more likely to find ourselves in abusive relationships as adults. Our parents set the example for us; it's what we learn as normal. Changing that knowledge, learning something different, can be a long and difficult process, but it can be done. If we don't do it, then we may well be doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again, always wondering why nothing ever changes. We have to do the work, examine the problem with a cold eye, and be willing to do what is needed if we really want to make the changes in our lives we want to make.

It always comes back to changing the things we can. It comes back to ourselves, the only thing we really have any control over. We do the work on ourselves that needs to be done, and the rest of our lives change accordingly. All we have to do is keep at it, and we will see the difference manifest. And when we do, it's miraculous.